As I wake up each morning, I am getting stronger. Reality has finally settled in that there will not be a child together in my husband and I's life. It's a tough pill to swallow, but fate had been decided for us a year ago. In our hearts we've known for awhile. Many factors are on our side and that is not the point of my typing this morning.
My point is that I am getting stronger. It is getting easier to accept. Though some days I falter. Who could blame me? We tried. Every time we tried it ended in heartache. My husband felt helpless and had no idea how to fix it. But he can't fix what is out of his control. He couldn't handle seeing me hurting after every loss and yet he held me tight with every tear. I knew how he felt and tried to hold back the tears so many times. Waiting until he was asleep before I shed more in silence. To make matters worse, it seemed that everyone was making an announcement of their little bundle of joy. Those days were hard as well, though I never meant for it to be. I'm so excited for them and yet I wonder why not for us.
Finally after seeing my doctor, we sat down and talked about it. We agreed that we both wanted a child more than anything. However, with every loss our sadness kept us from being who we are, which is two people who found true love and never ceased from smiling. We agreed that we are only half-hardheartedly wanting to try again because we have acknowledged that it's not the path lined out for us. It's time we concentrated on our future.
I'm not saying that I am cured and will never have a moment because I know that I will always wonder what our little bundle of joy would have been like. But that is in the back of my mind and I only have little moments anymore. Especially when someone asks, "So are you pregnant yet?" or "Are you still trying?" or "Is there something you need to tell me?" Yeah, how about, I'm gaining weight because my husband and I love to eat ice cream!"
Those are the days I usually break down. No, we aren't trying anymore. Marriage is supposed to be joyous with an over abundance of love in it's first years and we've spent most of it mourning. Besides, when we married, I gained a daughter and he gained a son. We love them more than life and have a family right in front of us. It's time to live our lives without all the heartache.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
You know, it's funny how I am always so ready to come home and write, but something always comes up! I started this year off believing I could overcome the obstacles that keep me from writing, but I think...not.
I am thrilled to say that I have more time for writing than in the past and find myself so absorbed in Gabriela's life story that I forget I need to come visit the computer and blog.
Yes, I keep my novels and ideas on a computer that doesn't have internet (by choice). There's too great a risk to keep myself on the internet (like facebook or chatting). I try to have the least amount of distractions so as not to interfere with the lives of the characters or add in a helpless victim to write out of the scene (joke!).
Writing is supposed to be as serious as it is fun (for me) and I want that end goal of publishing the entire Rise of the Kingdom series plus other novel ideas I have waiting.
Oh... and I've tried to tackle the interview idea. However, those characters seem to be avoiding me (like the plague!) on a daily basis. But hold tight. I will get those fun interviews out soon. Meanwhile, enjoy some simple moments inside their heads and other whimsical moments in the life of Lyana Jo.
I am thrilled to say that I have more time for writing than in the past and find myself so absorbed in Gabriela's life story that I forget I need to come visit the computer and blog.
Yes, I keep my novels and ideas on a computer that doesn't have internet (by choice). There's too great a risk to keep myself on the internet (like facebook or chatting). I try to have the least amount of distractions so as not to interfere with the lives of the characters or add in a helpless victim to write out of the scene (joke!).
Writing is supposed to be as serious as it is fun (for me) and I want that end goal of publishing the entire Rise of the Kingdom series plus other novel ideas I have waiting.
Oh... and I've tried to tackle the interview idea. However, those characters seem to be avoiding me (like the plague!) on a daily basis. But hold tight. I will get those fun interviews out soon. Meanwhile, enjoy some simple moments inside their heads and other whimsical moments in the life of Lyana Jo.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Characters Within Gabriela Whitley: The Rise of the Kingdom
When creating characters, I looked deep into my soul and found traits within me that I felt needed to burst into action. There is some wickedness (Madison) in everyone as well as the dream style, look and popularity (Gabriela Whitley). There's that humorous friend (Jimmy) we can't live without and that sports playing boy (Camden) that catches your eye. There is also that one mysterious person we have all wondered about. That person (Maddox) you've never met but their style has you undressing them with your eyes and letting your imagination go wild. There's even those characters that just pop up unexpectedly (Kellan, Suki, Elena ) and though they seem to be fill-in characters, they end up with a role in the next book and find themselves part of the lineup before the series is done.
Over this next week, I plan to interview my characters to paint that image in your mind, whether you have read or might be getting ready to read Gabriela Whitley: The Rise of the Kingdom. Some characters are nasty and refuse to cooperate with the media and some eat it up. Perhaps it will be noticeable or perhaps not.
Over this next week, I plan to interview my characters to paint that image in your mind, whether you have read or might be getting ready to read Gabriela Whitley: The Rise of the Kingdom. Some characters are nasty and refuse to cooperate with the media and some eat it up. Perhaps it will be noticeable or perhaps not.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Gabriela Whitley: The Rise Of the Kingdom: Inside Bree's mind
Gabriela Whitley. To describe how perfect she is, is sickening. With her auburn hair and golden highlights. Those big blue eyes that that drive guys crazy. Her disgustingly in shape body keeps all eyes on her as I sit next to her, hoping one of those ball players notice me. Ugh! She's even smart! Really smart! If only I had half her brains...
But perfect? She is not. She's such a flirt! And apparently not really in love with Camden as I am. She should just tell him! Maybe I should.
Why doesn't he see me? Why does he have to be so caught up in Gabriela who quite apparently loves Jimmy. Look at how she smiles when he's around. Ever since her accident, she hasn't been the same. Maybe something will happen to her before Spring Break so she doesn't come with us. Then I can have Cam all to myself... A devilish grin spread across Bree's face as she opened the campus door. She swayed dreamily to her dorm room humming, Oh Gabby, it's time you took a tumble. It's time you lost your love. Or maybe we just need to rumble So your love can become mine. She snickered as she shut the door.
But perfect? She is not. She's such a flirt! And apparently not really in love with Camden as I am. She should just tell him! Maybe I should.
Why doesn't he see me? Why does he have to be so caught up in Gabriela who quite apparently loves Jimmy. Look at how she smiles when he's around. Ever since her accident, she hasn't been the same. Maybe something will happen to her before Spring Break so she doesn't come with us. Then I can have Cam all to myself... A devilish grin spread across Bree's face as she opened the campus door. She swayed dreamily to her dorm room humming, Oh Gabby, it's time you took a tumble. It's time you lost your love. Or maybe we just need to rumble So your love can become mine. She snickered as she shut the door.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Interview Lyana Jo style
Many questions have been asked and I am ready to answer a few.
Why do I write?
I write because I enjoy it. It doesn't matter what I write just that I get a chance to speak and I have lots to say. Being blessed with an imagination also keeps me writing.
What inspired me to write a novel?
That has always been my lifelong dream: to be able to share my ideas and create an imaginary world with realistic characters, even if not everyone (and not everyone will) enjoy my writing.
Why did I choose a vampire tale?
Good question! It never crossed my mind that I should write a vampire tale. I had always loved vampire tales, especially Anne Rice's Vampire Lestat and had watched many vampire movies since I was a child.
I had been trying to write a horror novel (Stephen King was my inspiration!) prior to writing Gabriela Whitley: The Rise of the Kingdom, but I couldn't get my ideas organized and I couldn't visualize where the story would end up. At another point, I chose to write my life story. But, I just couldn't get into it. Not at that point. Perhaps soon, I'll find the desire again.
My sister talked me into reading a vampire series because she absolutely loved it. Apparently, the world was speaking about it. Finally, I decided to try it and after reading the series I didn't agree with the writer's thoughts. As I sat thinking about it, an idea popped into my mind and I sat down to write. Once I started writing, the words flowed onto the paper until I had a complete rough draft, which took less than two months. I didn't realize how easy it was to let my imagination go until I tried.
Why do I write?
I write because I enjoy it. It doesn't matter what I write just that I get a chance to speak and I have lots to say. Being blessed with an imagination also keeps me writing.
What inspired me to write a novel?
That has always been my lifelong dream: to be able to share my ideas and create an imaginary world with realistic characters, even if not everyone (and not everyone will) enjoy my writing.
Why did I choose a vampire tale?
Good question! It never crossed my mind that I should write a vampire tale. I had always loved vampire tales, especially Anne Rice's Vampire Lestat and had watched many vampire movies since I was a child.
I had been trying to write a horror novel (Stephen King was my inspiration!) prior to writing Gabriela Whitley: The Rise of the Kingdom, but I couldn't get my ideas organized and I couldn't visualize where the story would end up. At another point, I chose to write my life story. But, I just couldn't get into it. Not at that point. Perhaps soon, I'll find the desire again.
My sister talked me into reading a vampire series because she absolutely loved it. Apparently, the world was speaking about it. Finally, I decided to try it and after reading the series I didn't agree with the writer's thoughts. As I sat thinking about it, an idea popped into my mind and I sat down to write. Once I started writing, the words flowed onto the paper until I had a complete rough draft, which took less than two months. I didn't realize how easy it was to let my imagination go until I tried.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Awaiting the Elliptical
Here we are another week and I'm still here to blog!
The Schwinn 4.5 elliptical trainer was ordered on December thirtieth and was due to arrive on the ninth of January. When January ninth came, the phone was silent. I really wanted to begin my New Year's Resolution. But without the elliptical, I couldn't motivate myself to keep the healthy habits I wanted to begin. (Did you catch that I hadn't even started yet!)
Finally on the eleventh it was delivered in a box and sat on my basement floor. My hubby wasn't ready to put it together. It took some encouragement and a little shove to get him to even open the box. But once he opened the box he started the assembly.
I finally stepped onto the trainer around ten thirty (not that it took him hours to build, just some extra coaxing to get 'er done) that evening. It was a moment of Ahh... until I began testing it out to make sure that it worked properly. I started full of energy to burn and setup my profile as I walked, tried to create a goal (but I don't know what I'm doing) and gave it a test run.
The hubby told me he wanted to make sure the resistance and incline were working properly and had me adjust it all the way to the hardest level and back down. My quads were screaming and I was panting. It felt great to be exercising and I looked down at the time, sure that I had gone at least ten minutes. The timer on the machine showed 1:32. Seriously? One minute and thirty-two seconds? Ack! I am completely out of shape! I pushed forward with no resistance and flat land for ten minutes. It was the longest ten minutes of my life! I couldn't even do the cool down on the machine. Instead, I chose to get off the elliptical and stretch on the floor. I told myself, hey, it's a start! I promised myself I would wake at 5:30 (with Bear) and begin a thirty minute routine every morning starting tomorrow.
Tomorrow came (which was today) and Bear didn't wake me up at five thirty. As a matter of fact, Bear didn't wake up until almost seven. I begged him for five more minutes on top of that. Finally, I rolled out of bed (at seven) and after taking Bear out, I put on my shoes and jumped on the machine. Again, my quads were screaming! After three and a half minutes (even though I told myself the first five minutes are the worse, just hang in there), I was done. My excuse: I needed to shower and get ready for church.
After church, I did get back on and told myself that I would do fifteen minutes. I made it another ten before I said, "Let's go eat!" Oh my gosh! It has been a long time since I had really worked out and all I can do is laugh! I had bragged to my hubby (and he knew that I was truthful due to my prior employment at the YMCA) that I would get on the elliptical for an hour at a time. But so did he (brag about an hour workout on the elliptical).
Tonight I said, "Let's do this thing." I climbed up and started my workout. This time, no matter how much it burned, I pushed forward (with my ipod) in hopes to make twenty minutes. As I neared twenty minutes, a song came on that I wanted to hear so I continued. Then I decided to go until thirty minutes. At thirty minutes, I looked at the clock and it was just a couple of minutes until nine. So I kept on until nine. At nine, I started my cool down and am pleased to say I completed a thirty-five minute workout. Yay, for me!
I asked the hubby if he was going to do his workout as I stretched. He said, Oh, tomorrow night. Needless to say, I talked him into working out. What's ten minutes anyway (shrug). He finally agreed and ended up completing a thirty-five minute workout.
It was definitely tough to get back into it, but well worth it.
The Schwinn 4.5 elliptical trainer was ordered on December thirtieth and was due to arrive on the ninth of January. When January ninth came, the phone was silent. I really wanted to begin my New Year's Resolution. But without the elliptical, I couldn't motivate myself to keep the healthy habits I wanted to begin. (Did you catch that I hadn't even started yet!)
Finally on the eleventh it was delivered in a box and sat on my basement floor. My hubby wasn't ready to put it together. It took some encouragement and a little shove to get him to even open the box. But once he opened the box he started the assembly.
I finally stepped onto the trainer around ten thirty (not that it took him hours to build, just some extra coaxing to get 'er done) that evening. It was a moment of Ahh... until I began testing it out to make sure that it worked properly. I started full of energy to burn and setup my profile as I walked, tried to create a goal (but I don't know what I'm doing) and gave it a test run.
The hubby told me he wanted to make sure the resistance and incline were working properly and had me adjust it all the way to the hardest level and back down. My quads were screaming and I was panting. It felt great to be exercising and I looked down at the time, sure that I had gone at least ten minutes. The timer on the machine showed 1:32. Seriously? One minute and thirty-two seconds? Ack! I am completely out of shape! I pushed forward with no resistance and flat land for ten minutes. It was the longest ten minutes of my life! I couldn't even do the cool down on the machine. Instead, I chose to get off the elliptical and stretch on the floor. I told myself, hey, it's a start! I promised myself I would wake at 5:30 (with Bear) and begin a thirty minute routine every morning starting tomorrow.
Tomorrow came (which was today) and Bear didn't wake me up at five thirty. As a matter of fact, Bear didn't wake up until almost seven. I begged him for five more minutes on top of that. Finally, I rolled out of bed (at seven) and after taking Bear out, I put on my shoes and jumped on the machine. Again, my quads were screaming! After three and a half minutes (even though I told myself the first five minutes are the worse, just hang in there), I was done. My excuse: I needed to shower and get ready for church.
After church, I did get back on and told myself that I would do fifteen minutes. I made it another ten before I said, "Let's go eat!" Oh my gosh! It has been a long time since I had really worked out and all I can do is laugh! I had bragged to my hubby (and he knew that I was truthful due to my prior employment at the YMCA) that I would get on the elliptical for an hour at a time. But so did he (brag about an hour workout on the elliptical).
Tonight I said, "Let's do this thing." I climbed up and started my workout. This time, no matter how much it burned, I pushed forward (with my ipod) in hopes to make twenty minutes. As I neared twenty minutes, a song came on that I wanted to hear so I continued. Then I decided to go until thirty minutes. At thirty minutes, I looked at the clock and it was just a couple of minutes until nine. So I kept on until nine. At nine, I started my cool down and am pleased to say I completed a thirty-five minute workout. Yay, for me!
I asked the hubby if he was going to do his workout as I stretched. He said, Oh, tomorrow night. Needless to say, I talked him into working out. What's ten minutes anyway (shrug). He finally agreed and ended up completing a thirty-five minute workout.
It was definitely tough to get back into it, but well worth it.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tough Breaks In A Perfect World
Sometimes I feel that life is meant to be a challenge. That the more obstacles you have to tackle, the stronger you are meant to be. Trust me, with the tough situations that have fallen in my lap in the last year, I believe it.
Honestly, I have been fighting battles for most of my life. Battles that left scars and wounds left open. But all of those were situations I overcame and yes that made me stronger. However, the latest situation has been the toughest and perhaps the hardest to begin speaking about openly. Miscarriage or rather miscarriages in my case. (If you thought it was my love life, that is mistaken. That is the strongest part of my life and has been since the day we met almost four years ago.)
My husband and I met by chance (or rather two friends that got together and introduced us). Meeting him is a novel all in itself. So easily one can find themselves soaked up in romance and unable to avoid such an aura. Trust me, when you find your soul mate, it is forever and amazingly easy.
Our wedding was a fairy tale wedding and our lives seemed to be a happily ever after. We were pregnant right away but then miscarried a week after we found out. The doctors kept saying to calm down because the numbers were still going up, but I knew in my heart it wasn't staying around.
Two months later we were pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck until we went to our eight week check up. The heart beat was strong and steady and then I saw the sonogram of the baby and knew everything would be all right. I didn't have any fears after that moment. Except for the occasional feeling that something wasn't quite right. It seemed too easy. I pushed that nagging feeling away believing I only felt that way because of the first miscarriage.
My twelve week appointment was on the last working day before winter break. I was so excited to see how big the baby had grown. I thought it was weird I hadn't gained any weight but I was teaching classes at the gym. Staying in shape was important. But I was careful and honestly didn't work out all that much since becoming pregnant.
I walked into the doctor's office and into the room, patiently waiting for my husband and the doctor to arrive. (Sometimes it's hard to get away from work in the afternoon!) Everything seemed great. He started up the machine so we could take a look and he had a hard time finding the baby. I knew then it wasn't good. I stared at the monitor praying for him to find the baby. When he found the baby it sat motionless and no bigger than the sonogram picture I kept in my purse. I silently begged for the heart to start beating believing that this cannot be. My husband had his arms around me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. A fog smothered me and no words could come.
I heard my doctor saying something about scheduling a DNC on Christmas Eve morning and all I could do was nod my head.
There's not much more that I need to say, except that it had taken a long time for me to stop blaming myself. Wondering what I did wrong. Wondering what I could have done differently. Blaming stress related issues and exercise for the loss. Blaming myself for not quitting working out. Blaming anything and everything but mainly myself.
I'm not sure how my husband was able to stay so close to me with all the sleepless nights or crying myself to sleep. There were times I was irritable when he left me alone and my wrath he faced was not like me at all. Every time he left me alone, I bawled and asked Why? My husband took to longer nights sleeping and didn't say those wonderful words (I want to have a baby with you) to me anymore. He didn't touch me the same (madly in love went to tender loving/sorry for your loss) or look at me the same (with that are you okay? look in his eyes.) Or maybe I just invented that because I needed to blame someone or something for our loss.
It can be really tough and a huge strain on a marriage. Trust me, I went through many emotions. But because he is such a wonderful man, he stood by me and held me every moment he could. He even held me when I growled and told him to leave me alone, when what I really wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms.
This story doesn't have a happy ending as far as a child being born. We have miscarried twice since (making four times in one year) but that one was the hardest to recover from.
If truth be told, I am the happiest ever because of his undying love for me. Our romance has grown strong again but our bond is tighter than it ever has been. We are still inseparable and have that glow (according to his dad) that shows just how in love we are. That's really all that matters, right? True love and devotion to one another? I believe so. I know we are forever even if a child between us isn't possible.
Honestly, I have been fighting battles for most of my life. Battles that left scars and wounds left open. But all of those were situations I overcame and yes that made me stronger. However, the latest situation has been the toughest and perhaps the hardest to begin speaking about openly. Miscarriage or rather miscarriages in my case. (If you thought it was my love life, that is mistaken. That is the strongest part of my life and has been since the day we met almost four years ago.)
My husband and I met by chance (or rather two friends that got together and introduced us). Meeting him is a novel all in itself. So easily one can find themselves soaked up in romance and unable to avoid such an aura. Trust me, when you find your soul mate, it is forever and amazingly easy.
Our wedding was a fairy tale wedding and our lives seemed to be a happily ever after. We were pregnant right away but then miscarried a week after we found out. The doctors kept saying to calm down because the numbers were still going up, but I knew in my heart it wasn't staying around.
Two months later we were pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck until we went to our eight week check up. The heart beat was strong and steady and then I saw the sonogram of the baby and knew everything would be all right. I didn't have any fears after that moment. Except for the occasional feeling that something wasn't quite right. It seemed too easy. I pushed that nagging feeling away believing I only felt that way because of the first miscarriage.
My twelve week appointment was on the last working day before winter break. I was so excited to see how big the baby had grown. I thought it was weird I hadn't gained any weight but I was teaching classes at the gym. Staying in shape was important. But I was careful and honestly didn't work out all that much since becoming pregnant.
I walked into the doctor's office and into the room, patiently waiting for my husband and the doctor to arrive. (Sometimes it's hard to get away from work in the afternoon!) Everything seemed great. He started up the machine so we could take a look and he had a hard time finding the baby. I knew then it wasn't good. I stared at the monitor praying for him to find the baby. When he found the baby it sat motionless and no bigger than the sonogram picture I kept in my purse. I silently begged for the heart to start beating believing that this cannot be. My husband had his arms around me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. A fog smothered me and no words could come.
I heard my doctor saying something about scheduling a DNC on Christmas Eve morning and all I could do was nod my head.
There's not much more that I need to say, except that it had taken a long time for me to stop blaming myself. Wondering what I did wrong. Wondering what I could have done differently. Blaming stress related issues and exercise for the loss. Blaming myself for not quitting working out. Blaming anything and everything but mainly myself.
I'm not sure how my husband was able to stay so close to me with all the sleepless nights or crying myself to sleep. There were times I was irritable when he left me alone and my wrath he faced was not like me at all. Every time he left me alone, I bawled and asked Why? My husband took to longer nights sleeping and didn't say those wonderful words (I want to have a baby with you) to me anymore. He didn't touch me the same (madly in love went to tender loving/sorry for your loss) or look at me the same (with that are you okay? look in his eyes.) Or maybe I just invented that because I needed to blame someone or something for our loss.
It can be really tough and a huge strain on a marriage. Trust me, I went through many emotions. But because he is such a wonderful man, he stood by me and held me every moment he could. He even held me when I growled and told him to leave me alone, when what I really wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms.
This story doesn't have a happy ending as far as a child being born. We have miscarried twice since (making four times in one year) but that one was the hardest to recover from.
If truth be told, I am the happiest ever because of his undying love for me. Our romance has grown strong again but our bond is tighter than it ever has been. We are still inseparable and have that glow (according to his dad) that shows just how in love we are. That's really all that matters, right? True love and devotion to one another? I believe so. I know we are forever even if a child between us isn't possible.
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