I love Halloween! Always filled with ghosts and goblins and vampires and wait! What happened to the vampires this year? I would think with all the hit movies, tv series, and books, it'd be a vamp night for sure. Well, this was my first Halloween party and it was a blast. I couldn't wait to show them all my costume and equally excited to see what they came up with.
While I played my role, the 1920's Flapper, Clara Bow, I saw something I wished I hadn't seen. I went outside to converse with a few friends, and a woman from across the street starts slamming her screen door against the house. At first I didn't know what to make of it, until she dropped to the ground. She stood and walked a few circles and threw herself back on the ground covering her eyes with her hands and I knew she was crying. I've been through this before. She was a victim of domestic violence. Though we worried what would happen to our party, we called the police and told them what we knew.
So, a man hits a woman. Why? What could make him so enraged that he has to hit her? Why? What did she do? Did she make a sarcastic remark? Did she snap back at him? This I cannot handle well. I, too, have been hit by a man before. What made him do it, you ask? Let's see, I was upset that he came home drunker than a skunk at four a.m with no consideration for me. Did I deserve to my head slammed down on the ground? or to be head butted? No. It was uncalled for. Violence runs thick amongst us, and I really don't like it. When a man hits a woman, I think she should leave. I did. But, not at first. I was terrified to leave. I had no idea what would happen to me, if I left him. So like a fool, I forgave him and stayed with him for a very long time. I stayed because, he apologized. I stayed because he said it would never happen again, which it did not for a few years. In those few years, he didn't lay a hand on me, but mentally abused me instead. I believed I was nothing, and would never amount to anything. No one would want me, because I was worthless, unattractive, and ignorant. Wow. Did I just actually admit that? Well, I'm not. I am worthwhile, confident, and I think that I am intelligent. This is how everyone should feel about themselves. There is no reason to degrade yourself, or stay with someone who is negative towards you. There's a life out there full of people who will love you for who you are. You don't have to be a rocket scientist or a doctor. You may not have finished high school because of certain circumstances. Just know, you are beautiful and don't listen to the ones who want to knock you down. Don't stay because you believe you have no other option. Stay because you are happy and cherished and put on that pedestal. They will always tell you it will never happen again. Always. And sometimes it never will.
I had a second incident that happened while he was intoxicated, one that almost took my life in front of all our friends at a bar. They begged me to press charges, but I didn't. Again, I forgave him and nothing happened for another eight years. He quit drinking. But he was still manipulative. I still felt I could never amount to anything and if I left him, that I would never make it on my own. Of course I stayed, I was in love, but I was the only one in love. Here's what put me over the edge. I had an eighteen month old son, very energetic I might add, and I was stressed beyond all. I had been helping run a communications business from home, while trying to be very attentive to my precious boy. I was burnt out. I had just made a couple of friends in a mother's group, which I highly recommend if you feel alone, so I still really didn't know how to socialize quite yet. Well, he asked me to stop what I was doing and go type up a document. I could feel his tension, which in turn rose mine. I was afraid he would snap anytime. So I went upstairs and began working on this document, trying to type it very quickly, as my son was anxious and screaming for attention. I stopped typing and quickly took him out of his office so my long term boyfriend wouldn't get angry. I sat down, began typing where I left off, when he says "ok, I'm finished." Why did he ask me to type it, if he was going to? Well, I said, "Great!" and slammed the mouse down, grabbing my son and headed downstairs. He went nuts. My heart started pounding and I flew quickly down the stairs, tossed my son in his room, and locked his door so he couldn't get out and jumped into the bathroom. I wasn't quick enough. He tore the door out of my hands and his enraged eyes terrified me, I screamed. I'm not sure how I got passed him. I could hear my son screaming, wanting out of his room. I tripped and fell to the ground. I turned to see him throw the table out of his path, hitting himself in the leg. This only enraged him more. Inside, though I was terrified, I smirked. I couldn't get myself up off the ground but tried to scoot very quickly away from him. He hovered over me and threatened, not my life but my sons. Telling me to learn to control him, pointing his finger just inches away from my face. I kept my head up high and stared back into his eyes, waiting for the blow. If he was going to hit me, I would take this one with hatred, and let him see that. To my relief, it never came. But the damage was already done. As soon as he went upstairs and began destroying the office, I gathered my son and dashed out the door. I threw him into my car and drove down the street. But I had nowhere to go. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I felt alone as I cried, trying to figure out what I would do. I knew he'd never let me leave. If he did, it would be with nothing. I sat in the parking lot and tried to think of some options. Any option that would get me out of this mess. But, I couldn't come up with any. So, I went back. I went back and put my terrified son down for a nap, went upstairs and apologized for my tantrum. I could see it hurt him, to do what he did. So I stayed. I wanted out so badly, that I made it a point to make a friendship work. I joined Mothers N More and made many many friends. I had places to go with my son, and had other mothers to talk to. They saved my life. I made things work at home, putting myself in la la land and life was bliss. It became so easy to pretend there was nothing wrong and I slowly began to focus on staying out of the house with positive people. I hated going home, because I never knew what the evening would be. But, he came home later and later. I began overflowing myself with activities and had a sitter when I had to fulfill one. I began to forget the man that lived in the house with me. Just a roommate and a friend.
Well, it was a year later when his tension was building from the pressures of his job. I was terrified and threw myself down on the computer and began writing. I got lost in my writing and ignored everything around me. Everything. Anything would set me off. I was terrified, knowing that he would explode soon. I prayed to the lord that evening, "Show me a sign Lord. Show me a sign leading in the right direction." I told myself that if he explodes one more time I'm gone. And it happened. He was angry and yelled at me, throwing the remotes at the patio door, then stomped off to bed. I shook as I walked up the stairs to the office and began cleaning out the drawers. I stopped long enough to write a letter to him and cleaned out that room til morning light. It was my sign to go.
I was afraid to leave and be out on my own. I hadn't had that opportunity in seventeen years. I left with no idea what it would be like out in the world making my own decisions which, by the way, is absolutely wonderful. I have never been happier, feeling at ease walking around my house. Yes, my own place. I'm not going to tell you that it was easy. But, I now have the ability to make a life of happiness. I didn't need to run into another man's arms for security. I have my son and I'm his security blanket. That is most important to me. Having my freedom is also just as important. That freedom is relief from walking on egg shells. So, don't stay because you can't make it out there. I know you can. It's not a walk in the park, but a new adventure getting your feet wet. Domestic Violence happens way too often, and always will. Just be strong and remember you are important.
