Christmas Morning

It was three in the morning when I heard my little four year old rustling around in his bed. I began praying, please no please let him go back to sleep. Too late. Thump thump thump and down his slide he went. I listened as I heard him sigh loudly in the hallway and then my favorite words came out of his mouth. "Santa turned the lights back on?" He walked towards the living room as I struggled to get out of bed, throwing on my robe and met him by the dinette table, he beamed as he saw his stocking and noticed the plate of cookies empty and then he said it... "Well where's my DS?" Oh my, I thought. Over confident about that one gift he told everyone about. I wanted to burst into laughter, yet I held back and pointed to the Christmas tree. He didn't see it at first and then, he drew in a breath as he reached out and picked up his DS, which is actually his leapster LMAX. But he does believe it is a DS and who am I to tell him any different.

The Night Before Christmas

The night before Christmas and all through the house, only I am still stirring, thank goodness for no mouse...

Merry Christmas and have a jovial start to the blizzardy morning ahead.
I cannot wait to hear the words my excited four year old will say when he sees the gift from Santa. He is worried about coal in the stocking after his behavior this last week. Tonight, he did everything he was supposed to in hopes Santa would notice, and notice he did.
If only I could have something to use everyday to get him to brush his teeth, eat all of his dinner, clean up the mess at the end of the day, and share his toys. He did all that plus more this evening, including listening to an email from Santa on his portable north pole connection (PNP). I enjoyed reading The Night Before Christmas, as it's one of my favorites and laughed as he dove into his bed. So excited, he couldn't sleep at first, though he was tired from all the playing with his cousin in the afternoon. He did fall asleep quite quickly, and will probably crawl into my bed here in an hour. I relished in television as I dreamily watched Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye in White Christmas, my all time favorite Christmas movie. Now off to bed so I can make biscuits and gravy and yummy scramble eggs for my family in the early hours and open up some Christmas gifts! I want nothing yet can't wait to see what I got... such a hypocrite I am... hee hee

I really meant to write just a short Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, but I found myself yet again rambling on about something.

The Gift of Giving

I woke up, yawning dreading the day, as the weather's supposed to be horrible. I received a call that normally I would frown upon, but this morning it was a dream come true. I would have my four year old son with me on Christmas Eve. Oh how chipper I became, jumping into the shower and singing "Have a holly jolly christmas..." Be thrilled you weren't here to hear it. I dressed excitedly and then changed back into my pajamas as my son rubbed his eyes walking towards me. I swept him up into my arms and held him tight kissing him on the cheek and singing to him. He giggled and joined me as I began "Jingle Bells". I said, Trenton, today we are staying in our jammies and going shopping. Boy, you would have thought the sun burst out with eighty degree weather. "Yea," he says and jumps down out of my arms and straight to the fridge. Chocolate Strawberry milk and an omelet being served. He ate it all, very shocking I might add, and said "Let's go let's go let's go!" As I put on my shoes I began telling him my little idea. A little gift for everyone to go along with the gift I had already gotten them. I'd tell you more about it, but they may read this blog and find out what I'm doing. Hee hee, I'm being devious as always, though I doubt they suspect. Back to the story. As I tell him my plan he starts telling me he's going to buy a really big gift for one of my very best friends and then of course his friends should get another gift too.
I sat him on my lap and said "Honey, that's so sweet, but we've already exchanged gifts with them and Mommy doesn't have much money to buy those bigger gifts right now. We're just adding something small." We hug and he walks into his room. I thought he was putting on his shoes until I heard the jingle jangle of his Monster truck money bank. Before I could say a thing he walked in with his wallet full of change and handed it to me.
"Mommy I don't have a pocket."
"No worries, I have my purse, but Trenton, why do you need this?"
"You can use my money to buy the gifts."
"Oh honey, you don't have to do that, why don't you put your money back in your bank."
"No, I want to help."
I had to give in to the battle as he is a bit stubborn like me, but I'm not arguing with a four year old. I thought I would cry at this point, because my precious little boy wasn't stingy with his money, that he was willing to spend every dime on somebody else. The gift of giving...
In the end after he fought me about using his money, he forgot about it. And it's suggled back into his money bank.

WHO AM I?

With her humble nature, supportive attitude, and never-ending ability to make me laugh, I find this dazzling brown haired beauty to be a true friend. Her smile shows off her deepened adorable dimples and the light that beams in her large blue eyes, could persuade you to do just about anything.
It's hard for me to say she is shy, but she is until you get her a Mango Passion or a glass of Riesling, then she comes alive and a bit flirtatious, peeping out single guys that she thinks I may be interested in.
She listens to me ramble about story ideas, and keeps me motivated when it comes to my dreams, telling me that I need to buy her a vacation home the day I become famous.

So, who am I to Lyana?

Apology

I would love to take this time to apologize for my lack of writing. I wish I could tell you that I have a great excuse, but I don't. I've honestly been just flat out lazy when it comes to blogging, not to mention "fa la la la la," Christmas.
Here's just a quick update on what I've been doing since the last time I've blogged. I've finished a round of edits on my first novel and began the sequel. I have the query letter finished and am revising my synopsis. I think I'm ready to take that blind step out into the writing world. I also enrolled in another writing course, creative writing. I hope that I learn more about short stories so I can submit some into the millions of contests out there.
I wanted to find an interesting way to blog. My blogging is usually so deep and too familiar which makes it easy to write, but that's not always fun. I've decided to do something different for me, I want to relax just a bit and have some fun. Once I get the hang of it, I'll step it up a notch. Get ready for something abnormal for me, yet so me...

A desire for love

A change in my life began six months ago, actually longer than that, but six months ago I moved out and into this house. I am not complaining that the rooms are small or that there's no place to put my kitchenaid mixer, no I'm not complaining at all. Right now what I feel is a loss. I look around at what my friends have and realize, I don't have that. How lucky are they to snuggle up at night next to the one they love. I want that, I truly do. I want to know that there's somebody out there ready to love me for me and want me for me. I don't care what I look like, that's not attractive to me. What's attractive is having that special someone to see inside my heart and mind. To not be intimidated, and willing to commit to me. Who doesn't need love, seriously. I know I do. My friends say, but you were just sprung free, why would you want a relationship? Well , maybe all I have ever looked for is love. So I'm free, it's not the best thing ever. It is better than where I was, but it's not the best place to be. I am ready for love to find me, to hit me hard and show me how to unleash my love, as it's yearning to find that one special person.

The Power to Leave

I love Halloween! Always filled with ghosts and goblins and vampires and wait! What happened to the vampires this year? I would think with all the hit movies, tv series, and books, it'd be a vamp night for sure. Well, this was my first Halloween party and it was a blast. I couldn't wait to show them all my costume and equally excited to see what they came up with.

While I played my role, the 1920's Flapper, Clara Bow, I saw something I wished I hadn't seen. I went outside to converse with a few friends, and a woman from across the street starts slamming her screen door against the house. At first I didn't know what to make of it, until she dropped to the ground. She stood and walked a few circles and threw herself back on the ground covering her eyes with her hands and I knew she was crying. I've been through this before. She was a victim of domestic violence. Though we worried what would happen to our party, we called the police and told them what we knew.

So, a man hits a woman. Why? What could make him so enraged that he has to hit her? Why? What did she do? Did she make a sarcastic remark? Did she snap back at him? This I cannot handle well. I, too, have been hit by a man before. What made him do it, you ask? Let's see, I was upset that he came home drunker than a skunk at four a.m with no consideration for me. Did I deserve to my head slammed down on the ground? or to be head butted? No. It was uncalled for. Violence runs thick amongst us, and I really don't like it. When a man hits a woman, I think she should leave. I did. But, not at first. I was terrified to leave. I had no idea what would happen to me, if I left him. So like a fool, I forgave him and stayed with him for a very long time. I stayed because, he apologized. I stayed because he said it would never happen again, which it did not for a few years. In those few years, he didn't lay a hand on me, but mentally abused me instead. I believed I was nothing, and would never amount to anything. No one would want me, because I was worthless, unattractive, and ignorant. Wow. Did I just actually admit that? Well, I'm not. I am worthwhile, confident, and I think that I am intelligent. This is how everyone should feel about themselves. There is no reason to degrade yourself, or stay with someone who is negative towards you. There's a life out there full of people who will love you for who you are. You don't have to be a rocket scientist or a doctor. You may not have finished high school because of certain circumstances. Just know, you are beautiful and don't listen to the ones who want to knock you down. Don't stay because you believe you have no other option. Stay because you are happy and cherished and put on that pedestal. They will always tell you it will never happen again. Always. And sometimes it never will.
I had a second incident that happened while he was intoxicated, one that almost took my life in front of all our friends at a bar. They begged me to press charges, but I didn't. Again, I forgave him and nothing happened for another eight years. He quit drinking. But he was still manipulative. I still felt I could never amount to anything and if I left him, that I would never make it on my own. Of course I stayed, I was in love, but I was the only one in love. Here's what put me over the edge. I had an eighteen month old son, very energetic I might add, and I was stressed beyond all. I had been helping run a communications business from home, while trying to be very attentive to my precious boy. I was burnt out. I had just made a couple of friends in a mother's group, which I highly recommend if you feel alone, so I still really didn't know how to socialize quite yet. Well, he asked me to stop what I was doing and go type up a document. I could feel his tension, which in turn rose mine. I was afraid he would snap anytime. So I went upstairs and began working on this document, trying to type it very quickly, as my son was anxious and screaming for attention. I stopped typing and quickly took him out of his office so my long term boyfriend wouldn't get angry. I sat down, began typing where I left off, when he says "ok, I'm finished." Why did he ask me to type it, if he was going to? Well, I said, "Great!" and slammed the mouse down, grabbing my son and headed downstairs. He went nuts. My heart started pounding and I flew quickly down the stairs, tossed my son in his room, and locked his door so he couldn't get out and jumped into the bathroom. I wasn't quick enough. He tore the door out of my hands and his enraged eyes terrified me, I screamed. I'm not sure how I got passed him. I could hear my son screaming, wanting out of his room. I tripped and fell to the ground. I turned to see him throw the table out of his path, hitting himself in the leg. This only enraged him more. Inside, though I was terrified, I smirked. I couldn't get myself up off the ground but tried to scoot very quickly away from him. He hovered over me and threatened, not my life but my sons. Telling me to learn to control him, pointing his finger just inches away from my face. I kept my head up high and stared back into his eyes, waiting for the blow. If he was going to hit me, I would take this one with hatred, and let him see that. To my relief, it never came. But the damage was already done. As soon as he went upstairs and began destroying the office, I gathered my son and dashed out the door. I threw him into my car and drove down the street. But I had nowhere to go. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I felt alone as I cried, trying to figure out what I would do. I knew he'd never let me leave. If he did, it would be with nothing. I sat in the parking lot and tried to think of some options. Any option that would get me out of this mess. But, I couldn't come up with any. So, I went back. I went back and put my terrified son down for a nap, went upstairs and apologized for my tantrum. I could see it hurt him, to do what he did. So I stayed. I wanted out so badly, that I made it a point to make a friendship work. I joined Mothers N More and made many many friends. I had places to go with my son, and had other mothers to talk to. They saved my life. I made things work at home, putting myself in la la land and life was bliss. It became so easy to pretend there was nothing wrong and I slowly began to focus on staying out of the house with positive people. I hated going home, because I never knew what the evening would be. But, he came home later and later. I began overflowing myself with activities and had a sitter when I had to fulfill one. I began to forget the man that lived in the house with me. Just a roommate and a friend.
Well, it was a year later when his tension was building from the pressures of his job. I was terrified and threw myself down on the computer and began writing. I got lost in my writing and ignored everything around me. Everything. Anything would set me off. I was terrified, knowing that he would explode soon. I prayed to the lord that evening, "Show me a sign Lord. Show me a sign leading in the right direction." I told myself that if he explodes one more time I'm gone. And it happened. He was angry and yelled at me, throwing the remotes at the patio door, then stomped off to bed. I shook as I walked up the stairs to the office and began cleaning out the drawers. I stopped long enough to write a letter to him and cleaned out that room til morning light. It was my sign to go.
I was afraid to leave and be out on my own. I hadn't had that opportunity in seventeen years. I left with no idea what it would be like out in the world making my own decisions which, by the way, is absolutely wonderful. I have never been happier, feeling at ease walking around my house. Yes, my own place. I'm not going to tell you that it was easy. But, I now have the ability to make a life of happiness. I didn't need to run into another man's arms for security. I have my son and I'm his security blanket. That is most important to me. Having my freedom is also just as important. That freedom is relief from walking on egg shells. So, don't stay because you can't make it out there. I know you can. It's not a walk in the park, but a new adventure getting your feet wet. Domestic Violence happens way too often, and always will. Just be strong and remember you are important.