A Special Day

On August 30, 2005 the most precious moment of my life was put into my hands. I held a six pound eight ounce baby boy and named him Trenton Luke.

Since the day he was born he ruled my life. Through the good times and the bad we stuck together like peas in a pod. There wasn't a moment that we were apart in the first year of his life and rarely was he out of my sight until two years ago. If I had my choice I would never let go of his hand. I would squeeze it assuredly as we walked the path of life. I would take away every fear. I will keep him close by my side and protect him. I will teach him to stand tall and teach him when to walk away. I will nourish him with the beauty of life. I will teach him the value of life. I will applaud him for every achievement and be there for every heartbreak.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for this child handed to me on Tuesday August 30, 2005 at 8:41 pm. When I looked into his eyes I saw my purpose in life. I am his teacher, his friend, and most importantly, I am his mother.

Busy Little Bee

As I type away in silence I hear the scuttle of my little boy in his room. I pray silently that I have five more minutes before I have to stop writing. I am in a groove and it's very hard to break that roll of the mind.

"Mommy, come here," his soft little voice calls out. I hurriedly finish my thought and stop in a place that is easy to pick back up and head into his room.

"Good Morning, bubby," I say and walk over to his bed. I open my arms and gather him up. For the first time in a long time he lets go quickly and says look how organized my bed is!"

I laugh. My eyes shift over to the stuffed animals neatly lined up against the back of his bed. The sheets and blankets are piled next to his pillow and the center is bare. "Wow, bubby. It looks great! Should we fold the sheets to make it look even nicer?"
He nods and I fold them. He neatly lays them along the side of his bed and his smile is as wide as it could ever be. Then he says "Mommy look at my room. Look how clean it is," and gives me that satisfied look I love to see. I nod and smile then open my arms. He climbs into them and I tell him, "you have been a busy little bee this morning. Your room looks fabulous."

"Yeah, now keep Caeli out so it won't get messed up while I am at school." I squeeze him a little tighter and laugh.
"I will make sure she doesn't play in your room." I shut his door on our way to the kitchen for a morning breakfast.

June 11

By chance I met you on this warm summer day, sweeping by me on the bicycle. I couldn't help but giggle when you did a double take and smiled at me right before you crashed onto the sidewalk. You jump up and brush the dirt off your sweat pants and smile at me. I haven't moved from the spot in which our eyes met. My puppy is wiggling in my arms and I very slowly set him to the ground and make sure his leash is secure. I jump when I hear your gentle voice greeting me and I almost hit your chin with my head in the process. You laugh while I blush and smile brightly. You tell me the sand made you lose control just so you could meet your destiny, as we walk side by side down the path. The leash in my left hand, your bike to your right.

"This was the way we met eleven years ago," I tell my daughter who rolls her eyes.
"Mom I know," she says. "You have told me this every June 11th. This is how you and dad met, I get it. Happy Anniversary." Young Anabel gets up and walks into the living room and sits next to her father on the couch.

"If it wasn't for the sand on the bike path, I never would have met the most amazing woman in my life." He wraps his arm around his daughter. "I am a very lucky man to be married to your mother for the last eleven years."

Anabel sighs and shakes her head. "Why do you guys do this every June 11th?"

"Because fate brought us together and every day I fall deeper in love with that woman standing in the kitchen arranging the fresh roses from our garden," he says to his daughter.

"And I couldn't imagine a single day without that man sitting next to you on the couch who buys me fresh flowers for no reason, but on June 11th gets up at five in the morning and picks the flowers from our garden." I smiled as I walked into the room with the vase of freshly arranged scarlet roses.

"For if we choose to love with our whole heart for eternity, the greatest happiness will surround us for our entire life span."

Lyrics Not Suitable for the Young Ears

Did you realize how much sexual expression was in a song that you loved as a child?

I was naive to the understanding of lyrics until I began paying attention just this last year. I sang them as a child and thought of them as just a song to sing. But as we listened to the one hit wonders of the eighties in cycle class, I asked well why didn't we get to hear Wild Wild West. The cycle instructor tells me that is because of the lyrics.

This song isn't nearly as bad as a few others but yes it says give me safe sex and also talks of handing out Valiums.
Now I am researching just how many songs that I loved back in the 80's and 90's weren't really suitable for me to listen to as a child. I am amazed at just how many were not suitable. You've got Madonna, Charlie Daniels Band, Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Michael Jackson just to name a few artists. Now I find myself listening to the music's lyrics or looking them up on Google. I do what I can to keep my child from hearing them. But, it's everywhere. No matter how much I try to make sure he doesn't hear them, I find him singing along to "single ladies" which was on Alvin and the Chipmunks second movie.

We are completely surrounded in this culture and sadly it's impossible to block everything out. I do my best not to make a big deal out of it and hope that he is just as naive as I once was to the lyrics of the music we love to sing.

Inspirational Writing

Have you ever wondered how a writer came up with such a compelling scene that left you sitting on the edge of your couch unable to refrain from flipping page after page?

As I new writer, I will tell you my little secret. I have experienced a life filled with traumatic experiences and have stood strong or blind at times during them. Almost all of my incidents have some meaning of something I have seen, felt, or been caught in the middle.

When I say this, it doesn't mean that I have experienced every nightmare or passion I have created, but that something sparked within me to get my words flowing on paper. Or more accurately, typed into a word processor from my notebook computer.

I am a very deep woman who lays her feelings out with every stroke of the key. It is the one place I find refuge. The one place I can open up and let my heart soar and my mind create it's magic.

When I look back at my writing most of the time, I am surprised at the monster I created or the hero I now dream of being.

Back To School

The muggy air is not comforting as I walk up the sidewalk to the school. A fresh year, a new school. My son is anxious yet terrified. But, his independence keeps him under control. I too am worried about the long day in this new environment. We are no longer attending a preschool but an Elementary School. There is no longer a school of twenty-four students but kindergarten alone has seventy-five students divided into five classrooms. It was a hard decision to send him because he is a young five year old this kindergarten year.
I hold a positive view for my handsome young boy. I know I will do whatever it takes to appease him, yet at the same time, I will push him to succeed.

I arrive midday to join him for lunch and watch him walk into the gym. He doesn't see me and he is smiling and doing as he is supposed to. I am surprised to see that he is the tallest of the kindergarten class. He turns his head in my direction and his eyes light up.
"That's my mom," he shouts out and smiles brightly.
He tells me of his adventures throughout the morning and I know he will be fine. As a matter of fact I know he will do great because he loves a challenge just like his mother.

A Peachy Adventure

It's the middle of August and a week before school starts when our group decides to visit a local Peach Farm. We choose August, knowing it's going to be a very hot morning but at the same time, that is when the peaches are ready for the picking.

I wake up at four in the morning hearing the thunder booming and jump up to look out the window to see rain pouring down. My heart saddens. I really wanted to go to the peach farm and take the tour. I wanted to step outside my box, and experience something new in my life. I crawl back in bed with a silent prayer and fall fast asleep.

I wake and the rain is letting up, but the yard is muddy where grass hasn't grown yet. I just know we are not going. Then I get the text, Peach Farm is still a go. "Yippee," I shout and rush to get my son and I ready.

Riding along with friends, we laugh and talk about the craziness of going to the farm. One second, it's pouring. Next second, not a single drop. When we arrive, the ground is muddy but we dressed for the occasion.

The tour begins with twenty plus women and children and we venture to look at the peaches. I am not normally fond of peaches but I found a tree that was so lusciously ripe and sweet, that I couldn't stop filling up my bucket and eating a few as well.

It was a cold and misty day, but the friendship and laughter kept us warm.

Isn't Life Entertaining...

This weekend's events were quite entertaining for little ole me.

Saturday around midnight I had hot and cold flashes until four a.m. and then my stomach took a miserable turn for the worse. Yes the porcelain God became my friend. I had wondered what it could be. Maybe the slice of apple pie that I had around 11 wasn't such a good idea. It did have a funny taste, I just thought it's because I didn't make it. Could it be a viral bug? Those have been floating around as well.

I crawled back in bed, feeling slightly better and drifted to sleep. When I woke at eight o'clock, I didn't feel much better. My head was pounding and my son was relentless, banging on the noisiest toys and screaming. I couldn't move and had no energy to try to control him.
He looked at me and said "Mommy, what's wrong?"
"Mommy isn't feeling the best, why don't we watch television."
He nodded, disappeared up the stairs. When he came back down he had a bottle of lemon lime Gatorade and handed it to me. I thanked him and we settled in for a day of cartoons. I slept throughout the day, and found I could move a little more around lunch time. I just couldn't wait for three o'clock. That is when my son would have daddy time, not that I wanted him to go. But I was in no shape to play with him.

The doorbell rings at three and I'm a total mess. I help gather stuff for my son and kiss him on the cheek. My son's daddy looks at me curiously. I tell him, I think the apple pie was bad and he nods.

They get in the truck and I curl back up on the couch, thinking sleep is my best friend. I hear my phone and check the text that comes through from my son's daddy.
It reads: Is there something you need to tell me?
I reply: Like what?

The story unfolds as this... my son saw me playing on my computer and saw a picture of me and my new beau. He asked who it was and I told him his name flipped the picture. The next picture was me in a cowboy hat.
He says "Mommy you look very pretty where are you?" and I tell him. "Mommy I wanna go to that place in the mall." I laugh. He's not old enough to be in that place until he's 21.

So the scenario is: Daddy I saw mommy kissing Joe Bob at the country club or drum roll... Are you pregnant? HA!

The Dream I Dream

I stand on the riverbank and chip in the rock I've been holding in my hand. It skips across the water creating tiny ripples along it's path. I watch, though I don't pay close attention. I have much on my mind.

This is the first time I had ever wondered about my future. And I am afraid. Afraid of what happens right after high school. I don't have a plan or a college picked out. I have two jobs just to make rent and pay the utilities. Honestly, I have no desire to go to college because I cannot afford it. My ability to achieve that dream career would cost me a fortune and I have no parents to help me out.

My life feels wasted and I'm only eighteen. I don't want to be married with children, I want to soar like the eagle. I want to run away to Paris and freelance while taking scenic memorable photos. But this will never happen for me. I am stuck in a rut on this rock out in the Midwest.

If only I could make myself believe that anything is possible. If only I could find the faith and determination to make this dream come to life...

Here I am now, thirty-five and typing on a blog site. Today I am determined to make this dream happen. Today I have found the faith in my ability to write as I have wanted my entire life. Today everything is possible if I put forth the effort.

Today is my day to shine...

Family Cookout

The sun is shining bright when I fire up the grill. Nothing like a summer cookout to make the heat enjoyable. With fresh cut asparagus, mushrooms, zucchini, green onion and squash to compliment the seasoned chicken breasts, we are licking our lips as the grill's propane aroma fills the air.

The children run around outside creating havoc while the adults stay inside relaxing in the air conditioning, popping open beers and laughing as they tell stories of their youth.

Me, I am the hostess of this event and am in the kitchen coordinating the festivities. It is a favorite past time and I plan everything out to keep it a stress-free event. I smile as the laughter in the family room grows louder and roll my eyes when the children tattle on each other. I beg them to please just get along and send them back outside to play.

When the grilling is done, the chaos begins. Everyone crowds into the kitchen grabbing their plates and piling them high and scatter back to a place to indulge. Compliments go 'round and stories continue where they left off until late in the evening. Clean up is a breeze when the sisters help tackle the chore.My mother stands and thanks me for the evening and everyone follows her lead. We wave goodbye and blow them kisses and tell them let's do this again real soon.

The house becomes quiet. I fall back onto the couch and rest my eyes. My little one snugs up next to me and we fall fast asleep.

These are the memories that last a life time. These are the memories I will remember most.

The Unwelcome Text

I rush to my cell phone the moment I hear it chirp. I am smiling and hopeful that it is the one who makes my heart soar. I look at the time, he can't text me for another half hour or so. So I am curious now, who would be texting me? I read who the sender is. I shake my head and read the text.

You wanna move to California?

I am stunned. Why on earth is he asking me to move with him, now? We aren't together and haven't been in over a year. I try to tell him "no" gently, but he is not listening to me. He is desperately trying to persuade me, and I am still holding my ground. There is nothing in California that I want. Not anymore.
This was the path I asked for two years ago. I begged then to get away.
All of a sudden, I feel a rush of emotion as a tear drop slides down my cheek. I just need a release. My heart is overwhelmed and I am no longer wanting to talk. I just want to lock myself up into a room and not have any visitors at all.

Maybe this seems odd to you, but this is just the beginning of the next round of events sure to come. The start of something genuine and sweet. But as I say "no" the hatred will build and once again I will find myself afraid to make any positive move.

I just want to be free of this whirlwind that smothers me all too frequently.

Constant Panic

Have you ever woke up and worried about a nightmare that you had the night before?
A cold sweat makes you shiver. You bury your face in your hands and cry, a panic has taken over. The constant fear of that dream coming true, makes you pay attention to every thing that stands out in your day. The possibility of it coming true seems more likely than not...

I had a dream about two years ago, that still has me in a panic. I keep wondering at what point it will become reality, though I pray it never does. But there are some things in my current situation that make it seem possible to happen.

I have always believed in my dreams and nightmares, because they frequently come to life. My nightmares are the ones that recur most often and I fear that I will always be scarred of this panic. It would never be a relief for it to ring true. It would be a blessing that it fades out of my mind and never resurfaces.

A Much Needed Rest

Last night I found myself just too tired to write, though I couldn't stop trying. With my notebook in my lap I sighed and leaned back into the soft plush pillow and rested my eyes for just a moment. A minute is all I need. I listen to the low murmur of moonlight sonata by Beethoven, not thinking of anything at all. I am drifting further into sleep at every second. I try to open my eyes but the weight of my eyelids is just too heavy. One more minute I tell myself as the music fades and I drift further and surrender myself to the quiet and peaceful sleep that I have needed for so long.