After spending a good two weeks trying to move from one house to another, I have had a tough time trying to get back into the groove of writing. It seems I can sit and stare at the monitor thinking "What else can I get organized and unpacked?"
It's amazing how a matter of two weeks can knock away the drive that I worked so hard to achieve over this last year. But now it's time to get back to work. With my assignment due just three weeks away, my concentration and focus need to be back on full demand. Can I do it? Yes, of course I can. It's just a matter of finding the rhythm again.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Goodbye To one Of The Greatest Women I Knew
One of the greatest women in my life, my son's grandmother, had passed away recently. Though I am relieved that she is no longer suffering, I miss her and wish we could have that lunch I had put off for so long. Why do we let little squabbles keep us apart when life is so short? That I am not sure of. I had mentioned once upon a time that I have never regretted anything. Now I have one.
Lunch was a simple request, and one I agreed would be wonderful. But I couldn't bring myself to meet her for lunch. Now, I cannot have that lunch with her, no matter how much I desire it. I know why I never made it. I feared the topic of my recent separation (1 year ago) from her son. I didn't want to answer what went wrong, because it would not be fair to tell her. She was a great woman, and a very caring mother who had a hard life. My ex, her son, meant the world to her. Who am I to ruin that perfect image she had of him?
I did find a way to make peace by writing her a letter and placing it within her casket. Explaining my feelings without making her roll over in her grave was quite easy. I know she is watching us from above, standing next to her husband and son, hoping for the best and watching her grandchildren grow.
May she rest in peace knowing she was loved by many.
Lunch was a simple request, and one I agreed would be wonderful. But I couldn't bring myself to meet her for lunch. Now, I cannot have that lunch with her, no matter how much I desire it. I know why I never made it. I feared the topic of my recent separation (1 year ago) from her son. I didn't want to answer what went wrong, because it would not be fair to tell her. She was a great woman, and a very caring mother who had a hard life. My ex, her son, meant the world to her. Who am I to ruin that perfect image she had of him?
I did find a way to make peace by writing her a letter and placing it within her casket. Explaining my feelings without making her roll over in her grave was quite easy. I know she is watching us from above, standing next to her husband and son, hoping for the best and watching her grandchildren grow.
May she rest in peace knowing she was loved by many.
Friday, June 18, 2010
One Wish
If I only had one wish, what would I wish for? Would it be that I win the lottery? or that I will publish my novel? Would I wish for my handsome prince to come along and sweep me off my feet?
No. If I only have one wish, my wish is that my son would have the best life he could have.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he should live with me or should he live with his father? Maybe I'm not being fair in the amount of time he has with his father. Maybe I'm not as good of a mother to him as I should be. Do I spend an adequate amount of quality time with him? Do I make him happy? I wonder if he's happier with his father. If he had a choice, would he choose to live with me?
Then there's the other side. Who has the best financial support for him? Who can offer the best care? Which one of us is more stable?
Am I being too selfish when I want to have him with me all the time?
All that I know is that I love this little boy with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have him smile daily. But I wonder if he can. I feel like I've ruined that for him because I broke up his stability when I chose to walk out of our home. Was it the best choice for him? I don't know. All the constant tension that surrounds him now, is heartbreaking and more than ever I want to wish it away.
No. If I only have one wish, my wish is that my son would have the best life he could have.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he should live with me or should he live with his father? Maybe I'm not being fair in the amount of time he has with his father. Maybe I'm not as good of a mother to him as I should be. Do I spend an adequate amount of quality time with him? Do I make him happy? I wonder if he's happier with his father. If he had a choice, would he choose to live with me?
Then there's the other side. Who has the best financial support for him? Who can offer the best care? Which one of us is more stable?
Am I being too selfish when I want to have him with me all the time?
All that I know is that I love this little boy with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have him smile daily. But I wonder if he can. I feel like I've ruined that for him because I broke up his stability when I chose to walk out of our home. Was it the best choice for him? I don't know. All the constant tension that surrounds him now, is heartbreaking and more than ever I want to wish it away.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
My Independence Day Celebration
Today, Friday June 11, I am celebrating my independence day. June 11, 2009 was the day that I stood my ground and walked out of a dead situation and into the unknown. It's also the day that began my life adventure. Learning what was necessary to survive and build a life for my son and I without leaning on someone else. I didn't believe it was possible to jump over so many hurdles and dodge a ton of obstacles on the way in just a year. But I have accomplished much more than I could ever dream.
Funny enough, I am signing papers on a new house too. What is so funny about that you ask? Well, it's the same day I signed papers on the rental house I'm currently living in. But I did get a scare from the underwriters who decided to re-evaluate my financial status. Nothing like being thrilled to buy a house and then to have a deep scare that I may not get to buy the house because of something from my past. And until yesterday, I wasn't sure that I would own this home. But I knew I had to. All the signs were there. The house was born the same year I was, and it is on the street named after my favorite show when I was a teenager. Not to mention the closing date was the same as my independence day and I found out I was approved to buy a home on my birthday. So I knew deep down, it had to be mine. There were other things that came into play like the scattered thunderstorms and the always down to the wire. For some reason my adrenaline is always meant to be pumping hard.
So my Independence Day speech is as follows: Today I celebrate my Independence Day. The day that I learned the hills may look like mountains, but they are mere speed bumps along the path that faith leads me... God Bless.
Funny enough, I am signing papers on a new house too. What is so funny about that you ask? Well, it's the same day I signed papers on the rental house I'm currently living in. But I did get a scare from the underwriters who decided to re-evaluate my financial status. Nothing like being thrilled to buy a house and then to have a deep scare that I may not get to buy the house because of something from my past. And until yesterday, I wasn't sure that I would own this home. But I knew I had to. All the signs were there. The house was born the same year I was, and it is on the street named after my favorite show when I was a teenager. Not to mention the closing date was the same as my independence day and I found out I was approved to buy a home on my birthday. So I knew deep down, it had to be mine. There were other things that came into play like the scattered thunderstorms and the always down to the wire. For some reason my adrenaline is always meant to be pumping hard.
So my Independence Day speech is as follows: Today I celebrate my Independence Day. The day that I learned the hills may look like mountains, but they are mere speed bumps along the path that faith leads me... God Bless.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Nightwalk VI
“It was a dream, just a dream,” Sarah said holding her chest, breathing deeply.
He moved the hair from her face, brushing it off her shoulder and stared into her eyes with a distraught expression. “Safe.”
She nodded and smiled weakly.
She reached up and touched his arm. He shivered and closed his eyes but he didn’t back away this time. She ran her hand along his smooth cool arm, feeling him tremble under her touch. “Who are you?”
“Michael,” he whispered. She looked into his eyes, while reaching her hand up very slowly. He flinched and moved just out of reach.
“Please,” she whispered, holding her hand inches from his face. After a long hesitation, he leaned forward resting his cheek in her hand and closed his eyes.
A jolt surged through her and she saw horrifying visions of his life pass swiftly through her mind. She gasped when she saw the woman from the mural and jerked her hand away. “What was that?”
A look of sorrow crossed his face, but he said nothing. She leaned back against the wall, staring at him. A long silence passed between them giving her time to remember the images that flooded her mind.
He had always been a supernatural being, unlike the Wolfman, who had been bitten by another wolfman. Though the vivid glimpse showed the battle between the two beings had raged on for thousands of years, there wasn't any understanding of why they fought over the woman.
Michael lowered his head and stood very slowly with his back towards her. She reached up and touched the tip of his wing, feeling him tremble once again at the slightest touch of her fingertips. She ran her fingers down to the point and through the feathers. He shuddered, but didn’t move.
“Michael, who am I?”
He turned around briskly and gazed into her eyes. “My future.”
“What? How can that be,” she asked.
No response. “What is this,” she asked pointing at the mural.
Michael looked up at the mural and then back at her. He said nothing.
“I want to go home,” she whined.
“You are safe here,” he said softly
“I want to go home now!”
“Not safe,” he whispered and walked away.
“Michael,” she yelled and he turned around frightened. “If you can’t answer me, take me home!”
He opened the door and she screamed, “Michael!” He didn’t stop this time, and headed out of the room, closing the door behind him.
She tried to move her legs but they were still gravitated to the bed. Sarah screamed as loud as she could until she was too exhausted to continue and cupped her face with her hands sobbing until she fell asleep.
He moved the hair from her face, brushing it off her shoulder and stared into her eyes with a distraught expression. “Safe.”
She nodded and smiled weakly.
She reached up and touched his arm. He shivered and closed his eyes but he didn’t back away this time. She ran her hand along his smooth cool arm, feeling him tremble under her touch. “Who are you?”
“Michael,” he whispered. She looked into his eyes, while reaching her hand up very slowly. He flinched and moved just out of reach.
“Please,” she whispered, holding her hand inches from his face. After a long hesitation, he leaned forward resting his cheek in her hand and closed his eyes.
A jolt surged through her and she saw horrifying visions of his life pass swiftly through her mind. She gasped when she saw the woman from the mural and jerked her hand away. “What was that?”
A look of sorrow crossed his face, but he said nothing. She leaned back against the wall, staring at him. A long silence passed between them giving her time to remember the images that flooded her mind.
He had always been a supernatural being, unlike the Wolfman, who had been bitten by another wolfman. Though the vivid glimpse showed the battle between the two beings had raged on for thousands of years, there wasn't any understanding of why they fought over the woman.
Michael lowered his head and stood very slowly with his back towards her. She reached up and touched the tip of his wing, feeling him tremble once again at the slightest touch of her fingertips. She ran her fingers down to the point and through the feathers. He shuddered, but didn’t move.
“Michael, who am I?”
He turned around briskly and gazed into her eyes. “My future.”
“What? How can that be,” she asked.
No response. “What is this,” she asked pointing at the mural.
Michael looked up at the mural and then back at her. He said nothing.
“I want to go home,” she whined.
“You are safe here,” he said softly
“I want to go home now!”
“Not safe,” he whispered and walked away.
“Michael,” she yelled and he turned around frightened. “If you can’t answer me, take me home!”
He opened the door and she screamed, “Michael!” He didn’t stop this time, and headed out of the room, closing the door behind him.
She tried to move her legs but they were still gravitated to the bed. Sarah screamed as loud as she could until she was too exhausted to continue and cupped her face with her hands sobbing until she fell asleep.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Research
Today I am battling the magazine world, searching for the perfect one that I can submit some of my short stories. Then I wonder, maybe I should pick a magazine at random and see if I can write a story that will fit their needs. Could I rise to the challenge and create a masterpiece? Well, maybe not a masterpiece. But, I think I could write something they need. Right? Eh, well you never know until you try.
I have never been a big fan of magazines until my professor offered me this challenge. Now that I have had to research many of them, I find I could read article after article and enjoy the short stories as well.
I am staring up at the sky dreaming of day you get to read an article I have published. Sigh...
I have never been a big fan of magazines until my professor offered me this challenge. Now that I have had to research many of them, I find I could read article after article and enjoy the short stories as well.
I am staring up at the sky dreaming of day you get to read an article I have published. Sigh...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Curious Dreams
I woke laughing hysterically at a dream which I cannot remember. Why do these dreams come into my conscience only to vanish before I wake?
I don't mind forgetting the ones that terrify me. Only those, I always see the face of who or what haunts me. That face is always close enough to touch my nose. Yet then I dream a dream like last night, waking up feeling superb, wishing I knew what had me laughing so hard.
I wonder if these are my deja vu dreams...
I don't mind forgetting the ones that terrify me. Only those, I always see the face of who or what haunts me. That face is always close enough to touch my nose. Yet then I dream a dream like last night, waking up feeling superb, wishing I knew what had me laughing so hard.
I wonder if these are my deja vu dreams...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)