If I only had one wish, what would I wish for? Would it be that I win the lottery? or that I will publish my novel? Would I wish for my handsome prince to come along and sweep me off my feet?
No. If I only have one wish, my wish is that my son would have the best life he could have.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he should live with me or should he live with his father? Maybe I'm not being fair in the amount of time he has with his father. Maybe I'm not as good of a mother to him as I should be. Do I spend an adequate amount of quality time with him? Do I make him happy? I wonder if he's happier with his father. If he had a choice, would he choose to live with me?
Then there's the other side. Who has the best financial support for him? Who can offer the best care? Which one of us is more stable?
Am I being too selfish when I want to have him with me all the time?
All that I know is that I love this little boy with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have him smile daily. But I wonder if he can. I feel like I've ruined that for him because I broke up his stability when I chose to walk out of our home. Was it the best choice for him? I don't know. All the constant tension that surrounds him now, is heartbreaking and more than ever I want to wish it away.
:-( You're doing your best; your best for you & for your son. Don't be so hard on yourself. It'll all work out.
ReplyDeleteYou have to remember that there was a lot of tension before you left too :)
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