Fading Halloween Spirit

It's Halloween, my favorite holiday to celebrate. I had several ideas for blogs, but today I cannot celebrate. I am without my son. Today, I am just not in the mood for anything fun and exciting because without him, it means nothing. Why am I feeling this way today? It's simple. I miss my son and this is something I want to share with him.

I have been struggling lately because I have heard that he is unhappy when he is not with me. That his attitude was completely different when he's not with me. He smiles less if at all. That he's always serious. This saddens me because I want him to be happy. It would be different if I only heard this from a single person. But I have heard it a lot lately. Reality sunk in when he bravely told his father that he was staying with me. I am completely torn, wondering if my decisions are correct. I am praying for the sign that tells me the right thing to do...

How can I change this so that he smiles even when he is not with me? How do I reassure him that he is the most important person in my life and that he should find happiness even though we are apart?

My heart is heavy this Halloween and my prayers are massive. Please Lord always let this little boy's heart stay warm on the coldest days in his precious life.

Making A Difference

I walk into the classroom, fully exhausted from the long day I had. A lack of sleep and a feeling of just throwing in the towel entered my mind. "I cannot do this," I tell myself. I am running on empty and completely lost, yet there's so much left to do. I push back my sadness because I don't want them to see me frown. I love these kindergartners. I think of them as my own sometimes.

I sit down and fill the packets meant for their parents on the week's coming events. I jump to the sound of the bell ringing and we are lining up to leave. I stand there and give them one last smile and tell them I can't wait until lunchtime to see them again. The next thing I know, each and every one of them comes up to me and hugs me tight. Goodbye miss Lyana. See you tomorrow. I love you, says one or two and I melt instantly.

I only hoped I was making a difference in their lives. What I didn't realize is the difference they made in mine.

Out With The Old

In a moment of clarity, I found myself going through boxes still packed away from the move. As I went through them, I found things that reminded me of a past I didn't want to remember. I grabbed the trash can and began throwing things away, saying goodbye to items that wouldn't matter if they never surfaced. Things meant for my son to have to remind him of my ex and I being a couple. But then I realized, these items wouldn't be missed. So why keep them. They weren't photographs or special gifts. Just simple reminders. So I threw them away.

Out with the old memories and bring on the new ones. It's time for a life of making happy memories and I am more than ready for this.

After months of conversation with my boyfriend, we found ourselves talking about things that I never thought I could talk about comfortably. Our past relationships. It was very therapeutic. As we talked about things that went wrong and the way we felt, we realized we went through the same feelings. Now I understand why he is so attentive. We both felt neglect.

The most important thing is that I felt like I finally realized everything. The anger had surpassed me and now I can forgive. I forgive with my whole heart. I realize now, not everyone can feel like I do. Not everyone wants all that attention in a relationship. Some people are just incapable of feeling so deeply. I knew deep down it would be someone so unique to capture my heart.

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1.03.01

A Special Breed

A close friend of mine once told me that it would take a very special breed of man to satisfy me and love me. I didn't believe her, though I searched for him. It was when I quit looking that I found him. And funny enough, I wasn't interested in any relationship because I had found myself and was content. I pushed him away and he walked out of my life at that very moment.
"What am I doing?!" I shouted out. I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I am not sure just what it was that enthralled me, but I had to make amends and quick.

I begged him to talk to me and that is unusual for me. However, I am one who needs closure. If it was meant to be the end of us, I wanted him to tell me in person. But he was a stubborn one. It took an entire day to get him to respond to me. But thankfully only minutes to get him to meet me. Now we are inseparable and I thank the good Lord daily for bringing him into my life. We are a one of a kind love and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thank you Lord for the gifts in my life.

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1.03.01

I Think My boyfriend Is Trying to Give Me A Heart Attack

In the last three months life has been quite a thrill. But this last week, I am contemplating just how many scares my heart can handle.

After the clock strikes nine in the evening, I open the front door. My child is asleep and I don't want the doorbell to ring. I walk from the kitchen and turn to the hallway and see a figure in the doorway suddenly appear. I jump wanting to scream but I realize it is the man I have been waiting for. We laugh and enjoy our evening.

Now it is some time later and I am jamming to Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar. I turn to face the stairs and stopped dead in my tracks. My heart is pounding hard against my chest and then I turn ten shades of red. It is once again the boyfriend. I smile and hide my face in his chest. And then we enjoy our evening.

Last night... I am listening to Jason Aldean's She's Country as I am making bierocks. I have the egg wash in my hand and am searching for the wire whisk, singing good and I hear the faint sound of plastic and I turn. I barely hear my son say hi to the boyfriend and I carry that note for a very exaggerated moment when I see him standing right beside me with flowers in hand. Again my heart is racing. Luckily, I was singing or he would have been covered in egg wash.

So here it is, the night we are supposed to have date night and I am wondering if my heart will survive.

A Marriage of Convenience

I never imagined that I would be writing this. I feel that telling the world that I am okay with the marriage of a man and woman who are twenty-five years apart is a bunch of bull. My opinion of course.
If the woman was at least in her mid to late twenties I could except it. But she is not. She is just a child. Though she would argue that point because of a rough life she had. Well, deary. I had a rough one that caused me to grow up fast too. But when I woke up, I realized that I had made a mistake in my choices. I am in my mid-thirties and I know for a fact that I thought I was an adult too. I thought I knew everything. But I knew jack.

And why would a man want a young girl who is naive to the world? I will tell why. He can raise her to be who he wants her to be. He most likely loves her carefree lifestyle too. She's also a great babysitter and a designated driver.

Once again this is the opinion of a woman scorned. A woman who was in the same situation not that long ago. A woman who woke up and found her place in life and now lives carefree and independently as she always dreamed she would when she moved away from home.

My Dream Guy Drives a Tractor?

On my way home from dropping my mother off at work, I listen to Jason Aldean's Big Green Tractor Song. Oh man I love that Jason Aldean, but he is already taken. So I am singing this song and begin thinking of my dream guy. He is offering his hand to me and says come on honey, climb on up here in my lap and let's take a drive. We can drive it fast through the pasture and slow on down when we get into the woods. Whoa... What?!! Did I just say I wanted to jump on board a tractor? Nooooooo!!!!

But then I look at him as he tips that cowboy hat and melt when I see his dashing smile and kind eyes and I say... oh yeah! I jump up and sit on his lap and laugh as he kisses my neck while wrapping his arms around me. Sigh.... Who would have thought!

Karaoke Laugh

Ahh... I pick up the microphone knowing I have forty minutes before the boyfriend returns. I select Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar and begin getting in the groove. I am hitting all the notes and singing on pitch. I am comfortable and begin shaking my booty. I am a rock star. I know the next set of lyrics so I do a cool little spin and I stop dead in my tracks. My heart stops beating and I drop the microphone. I am stunned to see my boyfriend leaning against the entry way smiling at me. My cheeks are burning hotter by the second and I cover my face with my hands. All I can think about is the Southwest commercial logo... Wanna get away...

He wraps his arms around me and says aren't you going to finish the song?

I shake my head still laughing with my face buried in his chest.

Why not? I think we should go to the Karaoke bar and hand you the mic.

I said Oh no. I'm horrible.

And he responds with you were not that bad...

That bad! Aughhhhh... How embarrassing! Hahaha!

The purchase of a Karaoke game for the wii: 49.95
The expression on the busted girlfriend's face... PRICELESS!

The Fear of Rejection

I stood with my suitcase in my hand. Tears streaming down my face. I look at him one last time as he lay on the bed with his arms behind his head. "Why won't you marry me?"

His eyes never left the ceiling as he says, "because I don't believe in it."

I shudder. His voice never broke. It was cold and quiet. He doesn't believe that I am walking out the door after seventeen years. I take in a deep breath and turn away from him. By the time I reach the front door and turn the knob, I am sobbing. It is true. He doesn't believe in me. He doesn't believe in our love. and now I understand, neither do I.

It was never love. Just convenience. It was a business relationship and I wanted too much.

Single?!

I have been asked many times why I am single. How can I possibly be single? Why hasn't a guy come and snatched you up yet?
My answer: I'm already fulfilled with great friends and am not ready to venture into the next step. Since I began blogging I have gained many friends with whom I enjoy conversing. Having great conversations with friends are as good as any relationship. If I feel the need for romance, I just write it. Trust me, I can complicate life in a story, but at least it's fiction.

It seems that when I venture out I become distracted from writing, and then I am a grump. I am addicted to writing, like I am with fitness.

I'm sure one day, somebody will catch my eye and I won't be able to refuse taking a chance. But for now, I am quite content with writing and conversing with friends.

Breathless Moment

I look up at the moonlit sky, sighing. The full moon is so close. I reach my hand out to touch it. A smile warms my face as I see the fog rising around me. I am swept up and run towards the fog. I try to breathe but it's growing thick. I laugh and spin circles around in my little white dress. I look down at the ripples that form as I twirl. Again I laugh and look up at the sky. I am getting dizzy and I know I'm going to fall. Before I hit the ground I am caught in the arms of a stranger. I scream until I realize it is you. Not a stranger but a dream. I am lost in your eyes as you pull me up into your arms. I cannot look away and neither can you. You tell me I am beautiful and a bashful smile touches my lips. I could stand here all night gazing into your dreamy eyes. You must feel the same because we have not moved from this spot in the fog.

I woke this morning with quite a start
when a vision of you has warmed my heart.
I cannot tell you what it entails
just that we jumped on board and set sail

I want it to happen
a dream come true
especially when I saw
a vision of you

August Fish Fry

For many years my family has celebrated a tradition called the August Fish Fry. This was the best way to celebrate all the August birthdays in our large family.

There was a single cake and a list of names written across it along with a banner that we hung from the front porch.

We made a small fire and put an enormous frying pan (I still have not seen a pan that compared in size) on it and my uncle added the catfish that he caught on a fishing trip the week before. He was one of the many names listed on this celebration day.

We played volley ball and baseball. The adults tapped the keg and us younger ones enjoyed soda. The festivities began around eleven in the morning and lasted until way passed dark.

I miss the quiet country life and can't wait to find my way back to it.

A Plumbing Adventure

I can say that life is crazy and loves to throw a wrench in here and there, literally.

I woke up, barely able to open my eyes and slowly walked into the bathroom. I turned the knob to the sink faucet and my mouth dropped open. The water was on and the knob was in my hands. I giggle and try to put it back on. A temporary fix for now. I splash my face with the cold water and mess with the knob for a couple of minutes trying to shut off the water. Finally succeeding. I shake my head and after using the toilet, I flush it. I head to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. After sitting down and taking a sip, I realize it's still running. I walk back in and yes, I have to jiggle the knob. Again, I shake my head.

After a cup of coffee and some computer time, I jump in the shower. Get out, dry off and wake my son. I jump at the sound of the sump pump and laugh. It is rare that I hear it. I turn on the television and my son sits down with his milk, key lime yogurt and an apple cinnamon cereal bar and watches cartoons. Again the sump pump kicks on. Very curiously, I walk into the laundry room and hear the sound of water gushing. I look at the water heater and water is flowing out swiftly. I gasp and panic. What next? I asked laughing as I make the call to the plumber.

Pride

One thing I have learned is that pride will only cause heartache. When you can't open up to the ones you love and be yourself, what is the point in searching for your true love? You are not ready until you give in to humility. It's easy to hurt that special someone when you can't show them who you are because you are embarrassed. There is a reason this special someone fell in love with you. Trust me.

I came from money and now I am barely making ends meet. Yes it's hard but I have found that the people who surround me now don't care if I have a big fancy house or a fancy car. They don't care if I belong to a country club. They probably prefer that I don't.

They love me for me. And I love them for being them. Society has a way of taking away our hearts so we can fit in. Not this girl. It happened once and I woke up. Now I have never been happier and have so much love to give.

Autumn

With Autumn settling in, the chill creeps into my bones. I shiver on my way to the kitchen for that morning cup of coffee to warm me inside. I ask myself why I am so excited for this almost too cool morning?

It's simple, summer and weather reaching ninety degrees is finally over. Though I am not ready for sixties, it is better than a hundred.
I love seeing the trees change colors and the leaves fall to the ground. It's almost time to rake them up and dive into them.
I love baking and warm drinks like apple cider and steamy hot chocolate. I love soups and stews and casseroles along with biscuits, muffins and fresh baked pies.
I love the smell pouring out of the chimneys. I am ready to fire mine up this very evening. But I will wait another month. I am antsy but I know my patience will pay off.

The greatest thing about fall is Halloween. I love dressing up and doing the monster mash.

This is the beginning of a great season... let's enjoy it together.

Have you ever got caught up in the moment and forgot the world around you?

I have. That is why I have been quiet over the last few months. But I'm ready to be back on track and giving you some enjoyment. At the same time I don't want to lose that hour with the man that has captured my heart.

Why is it I find myself wanting to spend every waking moment with this man? I will never know. I knew my heart could feel, just didn't realize how much. The sad part is I am terrified. With him it is so easy to just lose track of time. And I have lost three months worth. Do I regret it? Heck no! I love him. But I love you too, so I am going to bring my focus back on you. Without you, my dreams won't come true. So here's to the dream I dream with you :o)

A Lesson To Learn

In an attempt to push one away, make sure you know why you are and that you are doing it for the right reason. When someone loves you, there is no reason to push them away. Especially when communication between you two is perfect. Talk out the issues or you will wonder what you could have done differently. There is no need to panic in any case until after the conversation, because they may be excited over what you had feared. Trust me.