New Years Eve

What a wonderful way to celebrate New Years Eve with your children and significant other. This year I will get the privilege to toast with my son, boyfriend, and his beautiful six year old daughter. The horns are in hand and the hats are sparkling in the light. Confetti snappers are ready to pop. The flutes are filled with sparkling cider. Snack trays are filled with pizza rolls, pigs in a blanket, chicken nuggets, buffalo wings, chips, cheese dip, salsa, sausage, cheese chunks, and so much more. The sleeping bags and air mattresses are in front of the television ready for the ball to drop.

We will dance and sing and play hide and seek. Trains and cars and coloring books will follow. The night will be endless hours of fun and a hope that breakfast doesn't start until late the next morning.

Bringing in the new year with my loved ones is the best way to start a New Year.

Happy New Year!

Time Flies With Conversation

Have you ever sat on the couch wrapped in your lover's arms and just talked for hours?

On many occasions I have experienced this moment. I have laughed until I cried and cried until he made me laugh. We have discussed our future. Our dreams of being husband and wife and the possibility of having a little tyrant of our own. We have talked movies and childhood memories laughing and teasing at the silliest moments. We've discussed problems and searched for answers. Religion, parenting, family and many other debatable topics. Never do we get angry when we don't agree, but communicate until we understand each other's beliefs. It's nothing to sit down at eight in the evening and look up at the clock to see it is past midnight. Time flies by way too fast with my boyfriend.

With all this conversation, I feel I know more about the love of my life in five months time than I ever did with the man I spent seventeen years with. How is this possible? I found love and a reason to talk and laugh. Dance and sing. I want to enjoy moments and take chances with my new beau. I never dreamed like I have this last five months and now that I have started, I want to keep dreaming of a possible future with this wonderful, caring, understanding, lovable, handsome... okay I'll stop ;)

The Christmas Ornament

While sipping a cup of coffee in the dining room of my boyfriend's parent's home, his mother asks me if she told me about the ornaments on her tree.
"No," I answered with a smile.
"Well let me tell you about my tree." She got up from her chair and I followed her to the tree.
She told me about each ornament and their meanings. There was a semi truck on the tree that reminded her of my son and I smiled. The cowboy boot was definitely my boyfriend.
She paused for a moment and smiled. "This one," she says and points at the gold heart near the top of the tree, "reminds me of you. The golden heart."
I was astonished and speechless. How could she think so highly of me in the short amount of time I had known her? I smiled and said "Thank you" and gave her a hug, holding back the joyous tear that wanted to fall.
It was such a sweet thing to say. I am still speechless and hope that I never let her down. At least now I know where her son gets his sweetness.

Christmas With A Smile

The joys of Christmas start with a trip out of town to celebrate with (hopefully) my future family. When we arrive, I, along with Trenton, am excited. The first thing I do is give my boyfriend's brother a hug and tell him Merry Christmas. Trenton on the other hand breaks out the new remote control yellow Camaro, who he named Bumblebee, (a gift from my wonderful boyfriend) and races it towards the house.
Once inside I see the little girl who stole my heart months ago and squeeze her tight. Then there's mom and dad and the two older girls along with his brother's wife and we can't leave out his puppy, Tiny.

After settling in, the kiddos are antsy and ready to open gifts. We head into the dining room and begin the adventure of opening up the gifts. I loved every gift I received, though I was under the impression we weren't exchanging gifts. At least I will be prepared next year!

We cleaned up and prepared for dinner. We laughed and shared stories and watched as the children scattered to play with their toys. The boys gathered the dishes and helped their mother clean up. I watched, wanting to help but there wasn't enough room for all of us to join in. Next year I will find my spot somewhere in that kitchen and make sure to help out.

Having wonderful conversations made time fly by way too fast and next I knew it was time to say goodbye. Though I enjoy curling up on the couch in the love of my life's arms, it was hard to see his girls walk out the door.

The night ended with me wrapped tight in his arms watching a great movie until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. The last thing he said to me was also the first thing he said to me that morning. "I love you forever."
I told him that I will always love him.
Could Christmas really get any better than that? Hmm... I don't think so.

A Blast Of Hot Air

One week ago, the heater went out in my car. I dreaded climbing in with the falling temperatures. It had reached a cloudy high of 16 and the winds pushed hard against the car. I had a stocking hat, scarf, gloves, thick socks with boots, and a heavy coat. My only thrill was the heated seat and steering wheel. But that did little to keep me from freezing.

I began to adjust as I waited for my scheduled appointment to fix it. On the day of my appointment, the sun shone brightly and the temperatures reached up into the forties. Even the winds had diminished. It felt like a heat wave on my twenty minute drive across town to the dealership.

When I arrived at the service shop, the gentleman informed me the loaner car was ready to go and that they turned on the heater ahead of time. I smiled, thanked him and jumped into the car. Instantly, I was hot. It felt like I stepped into the tropics and sweat began to trickle down my forehead. I quickly found the controller and shut off the heater.

For a brief moment, I wanted to stroll back into the service department and tell them, "No thanks. Who needs a heater anyway." Then I thought of the sixteen degree day and I shivered.
I pressed on the gas pedal and drove myself home.

Counting Down With Stress

A countdown to Christmas is a maddening adrenaline rush for most of us who try to cram everything in at the last minute.

Stress sets in as we realize there are only 4 shopping days left before Christmas. Yet, we still have to work and find someone to watch the kiddos while we rush to get those last few presents under the tree. Don't forget about the families that are expecting us to arrive on time with all that we so eagerly promised them we would do. Those promises included watching children, shopping, wrapping presents, baking, cooking, cleaning, planning out dinner and last but not least, sit and relax with the glass of eggnog we promised to bring.

Whew! I stare at the cookie ingredients I promised to make for the students in my child's class. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch a classic movie, "White Christmas" while sipping apple cider. But I made a promise to my son. I have no intention of letting him down. I pick up the recipe and begin measuring the ingredients. It doesn't matter that it is close to midnight. Tomorrow morning is when they are needed and I spent the entire evening organizing the rest of the week to come.

All in all, I guess it would be safe to say that next year I will do my best not to obligate myself into so many projects. However, it is a year away and I'm sure I said this last year too.

The Red Box Carjacking

The Christmas party was a smash hit. She was dressed to kill in her favorite black dress with fish net stockings and a pair of black stilettos. Her husband was still wired and ready for more fun, but she wanted a more comfortable route. "Honey, let's get a movie and snuggle up on the couch." How could he say no to his beautiful wife.

It was approximately 10:15 in the evening and the parking lot was scarce when he pulled up to the red box machine at Dillon's on their way home. Worried she would freeze, he left the car running and walked up to look at the movies. She looked around the parking lot and saw the party bus parked near the entry to the grocery store and then back to her husband, who stared at the machine. She smiled.

The car door opened on the driver's side and snapped her head towards the door. A woman in her mid forties jumped into the driver seat and said, "I'm gonna take your car for a spin to freak out my friends." She shifted the car into drive and pressed the gas pedal.
The woman wreaked of whiskey making the wife nauseous and a bit frightened. She wanted to scream but she was stunned by the bravery of this woman. She turned to look at her husband who was still intently looking at the machine. After a few minutes she heard people laughing and turned to see them running after the car.
Very casually she asked the woman, "So what's the occasion?"
The woman said, "Oh just a friend's birthday." The woman was nice and just letting loose so the wife decided to just go along with it. After all she had her seat belt on and could barely walk in the heels, let alone try to struggle with the woman in her dress.

The woman drove around the parking lot and pulled the car back near the Red Box machine. She put the car in park and put her hand on the wife's leg and rubbed it lightly. "Oh these stockings are nice. Thank you for letting me have some fun."

The wife laughed nervously. The woman opened the car door and stumbled out. Her friends, just as intoxicated as she was, picked her up while cheering her on, laughing. Immediately, the wife locked the doors.

A few minutes later the husband tapped the window. She jumped and unlocked the doors when she saw him. He smiled at her strangely and asked, "Honey, why did you move the car?"

A Drive With Mom

On a journey to go Christmas shopping, my mother decided to multi-task as she drove. That is a scary thing. As she handed me her phone asking me to text a friend, the car moved a little closer to the curb than I wanted to be. I kicked my foot forward and she laughed. She turned the station on the radio, talked on the phone and at one point tried to look for something in her purse. The entire time I was trying not to stomp on the invisible break or scream out. I sat straight in the chair frozen. When we arrived at the final destination, I jumped out of the car quickly. When we walked into the store, I was afraid to look in the mirror and see how crazy my hair looked after a terrifying ride like that.

A Letter to Santa

Recently my five year old son went to see Santa Claus. He told me he was asking for a hamster. I just laugh thinking NO! My boyfriend and I told him about the mess he would have to clean up with keeping a hamster.
He said, "Mommy you can clean it."
I laughed and shook my head. "Oh I don't think so. It's your hamster."
He walked up to Santa and sat on his lap. When he came back to me he said I asked for a stuffed hamster. I didn't get a chance to ask him why until this morning when he said he wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him he wanted the Zhu Zhu pet hamster. I wrote down everything he wanted to tell Santa.

Dear Santa,

I wanted a Zhu Zhu pet hamster so I don't have to clean up the mess. I love You...

True Love

After enjoying lunch with my boyfriend, I find myself drifting up into the clouds...

I know this relationship is not about needing companionship. That you could do with someone who is a good friend. This is about love. True love. I have always wanted to know what it felt like to be in love. It's glorious and amazing. I've never felt so comfortable with anyone. I never feel alone or insecure. The crazy thing, love is easy when it's right. And this love that we share feels so right.

Whenever I hear certain songs, the words just grab me. Phrases like I just can't take my eyes off you. Or you make me smile. There's also the one that says just one look... just one touch... just one kiss. In that one it shows my weakness. My longing to be in his arms and stare in his eyes. Let's not forget about the kiss that sets off fireworks.

This is just a touch of what love feels like in my heart. But it goes much deeper. The desire to never be apart. The moment I see a text or hear his voice my heart warms. Whenever a friend mentions him, I cannot keep from smiling and at times blushing.

This love I feel was worth the wait. I pray that everyone finds a love that feels like this.

Why is it so hard to deal with an "ex" spouse? Why do they constantly want to make you feel guilty because you just couldn't be happy together?

These are the questions that are plaguing my mind lately. I can tell you the issues that led to this lack of communication. My "ex" found out I had a boyfriend and I bought a house. I would say he's upset because I have learned happiness and it didn't include him. The worst part, there is a child in the middle who is getting hurt. He doesn't understand what's going on because I don't tell him. I simply just keep showing him love and continue teaching him the things he needs to know to better his future.

On occasion in the past, he would come home and tell me things that daddy said about mommy. One that cut to the bone was when he said, "Daddy says you tore up the family." Why would you tell your child that? I don't understand. How do I answer it? it's simple. I said Bubby, are you happy? he said yes. I said I'm happy too. Think how lucky you are that you get to play with mommy for a few days and then you get to go play with daddy... he smiled. Then he turned serious again and said Mommy I know you didn't tear up the family. He gave me a hug, said his prayers and went to sleep.

Every time I sit down to write anything that relates to my "ex" I hear his voice in the back of my head saying, "You did this. This is all your fault. Why would you destroy a family?"

The hardest thing for me is trying to hold it all together for the sake of a beautiful child. I don't want him to see any of this and I never meant to destroy anything. But how can you stay if you can't be happy? My son would see that. I'd rather him see happiness. Did I do this all on my own? Did I not try to communicate? I could beat myself up over this all day long, but then I would be miserable. And this wonderful child doesn't need to see me upset. I keep my focus on everything great in my life and I pray for my "ex" to find peace and to be happy for the sake of his child.

A Job Just For Me

Working at a gift shop can prove to be loads of fun. Here I get to help create gift baskets and make bows. That is something I have always wanted to learn and being creative is my middle name. Here I don't get to be the brains behind the creativity, but it gives me ideas.

With the holiday season here, I stuffed stockings full of yummy cookies and nuts. The glitter from the bows covered me from head to toe and I called myself a Christmas Elf. All I needed was funny shoes and a pointed hat!

This is one job that I love doing. If I could, I would work full time to create these lovely baskets, but I would have to give up working for the school. That I wouldn't want to do either. So for now I am enjoying being the Christmas Elf and singing carols as I stuff these stockings.

Decorating Christmas Style

With the holidays sneaking around the corner I am getting out the Christmas lights and all the fun decorations I have collected over the years.

My son and I have a traditional way of decorating. I start a fire, make hot cocoa, turn on the Christmas music and we sing the carols as we decorate the tree. I started something new this year by adding a real tree in front of the window that faces the street along with a lighted drive and lights on the outside of my house.

After we are finished decorating the tree, it's time for pictures by the tree and then Christmas movie favorites. Frosty the Snowman and How the Grinch Stole Christmas are the two we watch together. Last year I introduced him to my favorite, White Christmas. I was surprised when he curled up in my lap and watched it with me.

This is one of my favorite times with my son. It gives us that extra bit of quality time we need with each other. I will admit that we decorate our own trees, but I do let him help with mine. I just move my ornaments back where I like them.

A Park Adventure

A drive to the east side to pick up my brother for family pictures proved to be entertaining. After I picked up my brother he told me of his crazy dream he had the night before and I heard my son in the backseat ripping paper. I looked in the rear view mirror and ask him what he's tearing up and he shows me a magazine that I was throwing away. Since he was entertained, I didn't bother him. What I didn't think about was, where was he putting this paper he's shredding or was he just tearing the pages in half?

I pulled into the park still laughing with my brother. I opened the door and slid out of the car. A chill in the air picked up as the wind blew. I shivered as I opened Trenton's door. Then all of a sudden, SMACK! Several balls of wadded up paper hit me in the face. He shredded the pages and stuffed the paper in the pocket of the door. Quickly, I found a Dillon's sack and began cleaning it out. Just then another gust of wind blew and paper swarmed around me. I laughed as I rushed to gather the paper blowing across the parking lot as I am not one to litter.

I wonder what the spectators thought as they saw me chasing paper across the parking lot, all dressed up and in heels.

Video Game Corruption

I told myself over the years that after spending so many hours on the nintendo as a teenager, that my children would never get anything so ridiculous. Key word, NEVER.

Two years ago, I bought a Wii. My intentions were good. I thought that I would only play it when my son wasn't around and that the sports package was the only game I planned on getting because it was interactive rather than just sitting down pressing the A and B buttons. With the Wii you stood and tried to play physically. Then I introduced it to my son because it was great for the motor skills. But we only played the Wii when we were stuck inside on a cold or rainy day. I still felt very strongly that this was not a good choice for a daily basis. Kids need fresh air and a chance to run around, acting silly. When they are inside they risk breaking something where outside is freedom.

My plan had been working great until I introduced my boyfriend to Guitar Hero World Tour. He was hooked instantly. I on the other hand was bored of this one and wanted to go look for another Guitar Hero. We went to Game Stop and found the world of video games right in front of us. I did buy another Guitar Hero, but he bought Star Wars and Transformers.

Within a month, we now have a collection of games between us. Every time he comes over, we head for the Wii and guess who is playing Transformers next to my boyfriend? Yes you guessed it. My five year old son.

Moral of the story... Never say Never.

A Break For The Holidays

How do you know when teasing has gone too far?

I am guilty of teasing to a point that could make one wonder if I am teasing or not. Just recently I met my boyfriend's family. I noticed his ornery mood and I too felt a little ornery. I teased saying that I should put him on hold for the holidays and he laughed. He said okay on the 24th of December and I said oh no. If you're putting me on hold, do it on the 23rd. Don't ruin my Christmas. We teased back and forth and I knew we were joking. But were we?
As I teased back my mind began to wonder a little more deeply. Maybe he did need a break from me. I became slightly defensive. I tried not to show it, but if one had paid attention they would have known. My final comment was, well you can put me on hold however when you come back after the first of the year, I will already be snatched up by another. I began to realize that it had gone too far for me and I stopped. I didn't want to say anything more that could lead us into a major discussion.
Later that day when it was just the two of us walking towards the house, I slid my arm around his waist and said that maybe we shouldn't tease about taking a break for the holidays. He gave me a little squeeze and said okay. I looked up at his dashing smile and noticed the way the light hit his eyes. I felt like putty at that moment. He bent down slightly and we kissed.
We haven't teased anymore about putting each other on hold for the holidays. Instead, we talk about how much we love each other's company.

Meeting the Family

It's amazing how relaxed I was when I met my boyfriend's wonderful family. I hadn't seen such a humble pair in quite some time and now I look at them dreaming that the day my son brings a girl home, which I'm really lucky that won't happen for at least fifteen years (I hope!), that I am as pleased and excited to meet her.

I was greeted with open arms and welcomed in this home as I stepped into the living room. My belly was kept well fed, over fed, and my smile never left my face. I enjoyed talks in the den and coffee in the dining room. I laughed and blushed from time to time, never feeling more at ease in such a long time.

My son was welcomed with coloring books and cars and he too felt overwhelmed by such a wonderful gesture. Sadly his excitement got the better of him and he became a bit aggravated when I gave some instruction. I apologized and hoped my frustration hadn't shown. They simply said, "Leanna it's all right" and tried to ease the tense moment.

When we were loading the car, my son cried. I looked at him and asked why he was so sad. He said, "I'm not ready to go home. I want to stay longer." I hugged him tight and told him we would return again soon. He smiled and hugged them goodbye and on the road we were once again returning home. I understood my son's feelings. I too, wished we didn't have to leave yet, though we enjoyed three wonderful days. I cannot wait to see them again.

Taking A Ride On The Big Green Tractor

The cowboy jumps on the big green tractor and holds a hand out to my precious little boy, who excitedly jumps aboard. He laughs as they drive over the undeveloped acres and begs for another turn. The cowboy shouts down to me and asks if it's all right. The winds are picking up and I feel the chill coming over me but I nod with approval. I wave at my son and he blows me a kiss.

When he returns with my very happy boy, I thank him with a smile. The cowboy nods for me to come over. I raise my eyebrow curiously and walk towards him. He gives a little wink and offers his hand to me. I laugh and shake my head. But this redneck romeo is very persistent. The look on his face said come on. I sigh and giggle as I take his hand. I sit on his lap and he starts to go. The tractor made a sudden jolt and I throw my arms around him laughing. I shiver, but I don't care. My arms are wrapped around the man I love.

When we return to the barn, I say to him, "Well now I can't hold that over your head anymore. I got my tractor ride. Thank you."

He says with his dashing smile, "Ahh... but it wasn't sunset." He winks at me and I blush, giggling. How could I not love this man.

Holiday Eating

What can I truly say about holidays in the winter? Be prepared to settle in for extra pounds. Me, I love food. I love cooking for crowds and I absolutely love it when I am requested to make certain dishes. However, most of the requests are desserts. This thanksgiving I made the traditional Red Astoria Cake, along with bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers and a very tasty chicken buffalo dip.

As I sit enjoying the football game settling my overstuffed belly, my aunt says to me. "Leanna, what's wrong with you?" and laughs. I am completely confused. Then she teases, "Scott made me come over here and get a piece of your pecan pie."

OMG! I forgot about the special request I receive from my uncle every year. The only dessert I ever see him eat is pecan pie. I had promised to always make it and now... I let him down. Haha!

Well dear uncle, be prepared. Pecan pie is on the menu for Christmas just for you!

Mixed Emotions

How can I be so miserable yet extremely happy?
It's crazy how life's curve ball can throw a wrench in a perfectly wonderful day with just one word. Or as I sit here feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, a wonderful text comes in and I beam. I guess we are meant to feel the thrill of the roller coaster good or bad. I just wish it wasn't almost daily. It would be nice to breathe as one does on vacation (most of the time).

Video Game Fun

An enchanting evening filled with... video games. Yes, video games.
I am laughing as I watch and listen to my boyfriend trying to play the games we just purchased. The sound effects coming from him is more entertaining than the game itself. I am filled with hysterics as he tells bumblebee "no go this way."
I'm thinking, when did we get a virtual Wii with voice command? Ha!
I know I will miss dancing, but this is entertaining for the long cold nights ahead of us. I never thought I would have this much fun watching and playing video games.

The Draw of the Spider

Sitting on the floor of my dining room, I continued to wipe off the wet grout that was on the tiles. I saw something move from the corner of my eye and I turned to see what it was. A spider. It wasn't a tiny spider but it wasn't a daddy long legs either. My guess is the belly was the size of two peas. It looked pretty hairy from what I could see and I wondered if it was a wolf spider. I looked in the corner and saw a pair of tennis shoes and the broom. I grabbed a shoe as the spider sat about 4 feet from me. I grabbed the second shoe and prepared myself to kill it. It hadn't moved the entire time of my plotting. I threw the first shoe and missed the spider. It stretched up on it's eight legs and I swore it showed me it's fangs as it darted right for me. I screamed and threw the second shoe and missed. I stood up as the spider still ran my way and I grabbed the broom and began slamming it down on the spider, screaming from the top of my lungs with every hit. After four strikes it wasn't moving. I laughed a trembling laugh as my heart beat hard in my chest.

"I got you," I said as I stood catching my breath.

Waking Up With A Smile

Though my nights seem long and restless without the love of my life snuggled in next to me, I manage.

I had a dream that was rather strange and I wish I could recall it. It seemed like a video game and that I was racing against the clock. When I woke, I opened my eyes and snuggled closer to the body pillow that has become my comfort. I haven't been awake enough to start missing my beau when I hear his voice clearly in my ear. "I love you, Lyana."

It felt as if he were right there and I smiled, hugging my pillow tighter. I can't wait to be wrapped in his arms again. To feel his breath on my neck. To hear his sweet pillow talk whispering in my ear. Hopefully while I am waiting I will continue to hear his voice in my head. It helps to pass the time.

Embarrassing Moments

Living with a little boy allows you to be yourself without the worry of embarrassment. No one will catch you while you are singing off key. Except for the poor bird who heard you sing and smacked hard against the window, falling to a quick death. I wish I could blame it on the wind, but yeah... No. It was definitely my horrid singing voice. But I will continue to sing in my home while no one is watching. Except for my precious five yr old who says I sing so beautiful. If he only knew.

There's also the convenience of letting out a belch the would put "Ogre" from "Revenge of the Nerds" to shame. Yeah, well sometimes that's just not something you should do. I had burping contests with my five year old son and we would sit at the kitchen table laughing.
During a get together at my house I walked into the kitchen and let out a pretty good one in front of my new boyfriend without thinking. Then I realized what I had done and you could say the house could have caught fire from my embarrassment. I laughed. The look on his face was priceless.

So living with a five year old boy has changed some of those lady like qualities I possess. But it's also nice to just be silly and relaxed. Hopefully I won't start blowing air anytime soon.

A Super Star Moment

I never realized the impression I make on the children in the elementary school I work. I tease them constantly when they hand me their bag of apples they need opened.
I say "Oh thank you. I am so hungry." and walk away with a smile.
"Hey! Those are my apples!" and I laugh and hand them back opened and ready to eat. They laugh and now they tease back.

With Halloween around the corner each child wants to tell me what they are going to be. They want hugs and to just chat. When we go out on recess they beg for me to play tag or football or just walk with me and tell me things that excite them. These children make me enjoy what I do.

Now that I have deviated from my original post, it's time to focus.

I walked into Village Inn with my boyfriend for a scrumptious breakfast dinner when I heard a little boy say "She works at my school in the lunch room!" I turned to see this first grader with wide eyes and jumping up and down excitedly. I felt like a superstar at that moment.
I smiled and introduced myself to his father. I asked him for his name and told him to make sure he told me Hi in the lunchroom. He is now one of my favorite tag buddies at recess.

A Dairy Farm Experience

A day at the dairy farm with one hundred Kindergartners is a day full of memories to be made. The excitement of running out into the pumpkin patch and picking out a pumpkin. The thrill of riding on the wagon behind the tractor. Making silly faces while sticking heads into the wooden cutouts. Petting cows, goats, pigs, chicks, bunnies and chasing roosters, chickens and ducks. Bottle feeding a calf was also a big hit. They laughed amongst friends and constantly hugged the teachers and parents while telling a wild adventure they just experienced.

The day was cold but their happy little faces kept me warm. I love helping and encouraging these boys and girls. It's the love I received back that blew me away.

On the bus ride back to the school one precious little boy fell asleep on my lap and my son lay against him and fell asleep as well.
These boys and girls make my heart warm even in the coldest weather. How could we ever miss out on opportunities like these.

Waking Up To Love

It's a wonderful feeling to wake wrapped in the arms of the one you love. The light shines in his eyes and a warm smile crosses his face. He says, "You are so beautiful." and kisses you softly. Your heart quickens its pace and chills travel through your body when his fingers lightly glide down your back. Your hand rests on his cheek feeling the warmth as your kiss deepens. He stops suddenly and looks into your eyes and says, "I am in love with you."

This is the greatest moment of being in love. This is the moment I will cherish throughout my life. This is my experience of love and I never want to lose it.

Turning Tables

Why is it that when the tables are turned, you aren't greeted respectfully?

It is very sad that my son, who is five years old, experienced his parents separating. Even worse that he had to deal with many potential step-moms in the first four months of the split. But when my ex finally chose to settle with one, my son was the first to tell me. He loved her from the start and that made me happy. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely jealous that my son found another woman to draw pictures for and to share hot chocolate with. It seems things I held close hoping was just ours, he now shared with her. He began loving her and doing things with her, ready to see her every weekend. I became just mom. I dealt with it and never let him see that it hurt me. As long as he is happy, I can live with it.

The point I am trying to make is that I finally found someone that I am deeply in love with and I introduced my son to him. My son loves spending time with my new beau and begs for him to come over every night. (Another reason I could be jealous, though I am not.) He mentioned him once to his father and felt his father's wrath. How do I know this? My son told me. And I believe him because of the very sad look on his face.
He said, "Oh no. I won't mention you or 'boyfriend" anymore. Daddy gets mad."
Wow. Should a child really have to hide what he enjoys when his father has already married another? I don't think so.

It's too bad there are people in this world who want to punish the one who left them. Not caring that they are hurting the children stuck in the middle. It is not their fault and they should be able to express themselves freely.

Laughed Until I Cried

This is a song so close to my heart. It is truly the one thing I wanted out of life. I understand hardships, but we aren't meant to dwell on them. We are meant to live and laugh.

I am finding that I can laugh for endless hours at the silliest of things. From moments of poofing to bumping heads to pretending to be an ass. Yes, watching Bachelor Party definitely brought back memories for me. But it was the conversation prior to watching it that had me laughing until I cried. Now I want that always and forever.

These are the moments we are intended to have in our lifetime. I plan to live, laugh, and love for the rest of my life.

Fading Halloween Spirit

It's Halloween, my favorite holiday to celebrate. I had several ideas for blogs, but today I cannot celebrate. I am without my son. Today, I am just not in the mood for anything fun and exciting because without him, it means nothing. Why am I feeling this way today? It's simple. I miss my son and this is something I want to share with him.

I have been struggling lately because I have heard that he is unhappy when he is not with me. That his attitude was completely different when he's not with me. He smiles less if at all. That he's always serious. This saddens me because I want him to be happy. It would be different if I only heard this from a single person. But I have heard it a lot lately. Reality sunk in when he bravely told his father that he was staying with me. I am completely torn, wondering if my decisions are correct. I am praying for the sign that tells me the right thing to do...

How can I change this so that he smiles even when he is not with me? How do I reassure him that he is the most important person in my life and that he should find happiness even though we are apart?

My heart is heavy this Halloween and my prayers are massive. Please Lord always let this little boy's heart stay warm on the coldest days in his precious life.

Making A Difference

I walk into the classroom, fully exhausted from the long day I had. A lack of sleep and a feeling of just throwing in the towel entered my mind. "I cannot do this," I tell myself. I am running on empty and completely lost, yet there's so much left to do. I push back my sadness because I don't want them to see me frown. I love these kindergartners. I think of them as my own sometimes.

I sit down and fill the packets meant for their parents on the week's coming events. I jump to the sound of the bell ringing and we are lining up to leave. I stand there and give them one last smile and tell them I can't wait until lunchtime to see them again. The next thing I know, each and every one of them comes up to me and hugs me tight. Goodbye miss Lyana. See you tomorrow. I love you, says one or two and I melt instantly.

I only hoped I was making a difference in their lives. What I didn't realize is the difference they made in mine.

Out With The Old

In a moment of clarity, I found myself going through boxes still packed away from the move. As I went through them, I found things that reminded me of a past I didn't want to remember. I grabbed the trash can and began throwing things away, saying goodbye to items that wouldn't matter if they never surfaced. Things meant for my son to have to remind him of my ex and I being a couple. But then I realized, these items wouldn't be missed. So why keep them. They weren't photographs or special gifts. Just simple reminders. So I threw them away.

Out with the old memories and bring on the new ones. It's time for a life of making happy memories and I am more than ready for this.

After months of conversation with my boyfriend, we found ourselves talking about things that I never thought I could talk about comfortably. Our past relationships. It was very therapeutic. As we talked about things that went wrong and the way we felt, we realized we went through the same feelings. Now I understand why he is so attentive. We both felt neglect.

The most important thing is that I felt like I finally realized everything. The anger had surpassed me and now I can forgive. I forgive with my whole heart. I realize now, not everyone can feel like I do. Not everyone wants all that attention in a relationship. Some people are just incapable of feeling so deeply. I knew deep down it would be someone so unique to capture my heart.

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1.03.01

A Special Breed

A close friend of mine once told me that it would take a very special breed of man to satisfy me and love me. I didn't believe her, though I searched for him. It was when I quit looking that I found him. And funny enough, I wasn't interested in any relationship because I had found myself and was content. I pushed him away and he walked out of my life at that very moment.
"What am I doing?!" I shouted out. I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I am not sure just what it was that enthralled me, but I had to make amends and quick.

I begged him to talk to me and that is unusual for me. However, I am one who needs closure. If it was meant to be the end of us, I wanted him to tell me in person. But he was a stubborn one. It took an entire day to get him to respond to me. But thankfully only minutes to get him to meet me. Now we are inseparable and I thank the good Lord daily for bringing him into my life. We are a one of a kind love and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thank you Lord for the gifts in my life.

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1.03.01

I Think My boyfriend Is Trying to Give Me A Heart Attack

In the last three months life has been quite a thrill. But this last week, I am contemplating just how many scares my heart can handle.

After the clock strikes nine in the evening, I open the front door. My child is asleep and I don't want the doorbell to ring. I walk from the kitchen and turn to the hallway and see a figure in the doorway suddenly appear. I jump wanting to scream but I realize it is the man I have been waiting for. We laugh and enjoy our evening.

Now it is some time later and I am jamming to Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar. I turn to face the stairs and stopped dead in my tracks. My heart is pounding hard against my chest and then I turn ten shades of red. It is once again the boyfriend. I smile and hide my face in his chest. And then we enjoy our evening.

Last night... I am listening to Jason Aldean's She's Country as I am making bierocks. I have the egg wash in my hand and am searching for the wire whisk, singing good and I hear the faint sound of plastic and I turn. I barely hear my son say hi to the boyfriend and I carry that note for a very exaggerated moment when I see him standing right beside me with flowers in hand. Again my heart is racing. Luckily, I was singing or he would have been covered in egg wash.

So here it is, the night we are supposed to have date night and I am wondering if my heart will survive.

A Marriage of Convenience

I never imagined that I would be writing this. I feel that telling the world that I am okay with the marriage of a man and woman who are twenty-five years apart is a bunch of bull. My opinion of course.
If the woman was at least in her mid to late twenties I could except it. But she is not. She is just a child. Though she would argue that point because of a rough life she had. Well, deary. I had a rough one that caused me to grow up fast too. But when I woke up, I realized that I had made a mistake in my choices. I am in my mid-thirties and I know for a fact that I thought I was an adult too. I thought I knew everything. But I knew jack.

And why would a man want a young girl who is naive to the world? I will tell why. He can raise her to be who he wants her to be. He most likely loves her carefree lifestyle too. She's also a great babysitter and a designated driver.

Once again this is the opinion of a woman scorned. A woman who was in the same situation not that long ago. A woman who woke up and found her place in life and now lives carefree and independently as she always dreamed she would when she moved away from home.

My Dream Guy Drives a Tractor?

On my way home from dropping my mother off at work, I listen to Jason Aldean's Big Green Tractor Song. Oh man I love that Jason Aldean, but he is already taken. So I am singing this song and begin thinking of my dream guy. He is offering his hand to me and says come on honey, climb on up here in my lap and let's take a drive. We can drive it fast through the pasture and slow on down when we get into the woods. Whoa... What?!! Did I just say I wanted to jump on board a tractor? Nooooooo!!!!

But then I look at him as he tips that cowboy hat and melt when I see his dashing smile and kind eyes and I say... oh yeah! I jump up and sit on his lap and laugh as he kisses my neck while wrapping his arms around me. Sigh.... Who would have thought!

Karaoke Laugh

Ahh... I pick up the microphone knowing I have forty minutes before the boyfriend returns. I select Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar and begin getting in the groove. I am hitting all the notes and singing on pitch. I am comfortable and begin shaking my booty. I am a rock star. I know the next set of lyrics so I do a cool little spin and I stop dead in my tracks. My heart stops beating and I drop the microphone. I am stunned to see my boyfriend leaning against the entry way smiling at me. My cheeks are burning hotter by the second and I cover my face with my hands. All I can think about is the Southwest commercial logo... Wanna get away...

He wraps his arms around me and says aren't you going to finish the song?

I shake my head still laughing with my face buried in his chest.

Why not? I think we should go to the Karaoke bar and hand you the mic.

I said Oh no. I'm horrible.

And he responds with you were not that bad...

That bad! Aughhhhh... How embarrassing! Hahaha!

The purchase of a Karaoke game for the wii: 49.95
The expression on the busted girlfriend's face... PRICELESS!

The Fear of Rejection

I stood with my suitcase in my hand. Tears streaming down my face. I look at him one last time as he lay on the bed with his arms behind his head. "Why won't you marry me?"

His eyes never left the ceiling as he says, "because I don't believe in it."

I shudder. His voice never broke. It was cold and quiet. He doesn't believe that I am walking out the door after seventeen years. I take in a deep breath and turn away from him. By the time I reach the front door and turn the knob, I am sobbing. It is true. He doesn't believe in me. He doesn't believe in our love. and now I understand, neither do I.

It was never love. Just convenience. It was a business relationship and I wanted too much.

Single?!

I have been asked many times why I am single. How can I possibly be single? Why hasn't a guy come and snatched you up yet?
My answer: I'm already fulfilled with great friends and am not ready to venture into the next step. Since I began blogging I have gained many friends with whom I enjoy conversing. Having great conversations with friends are as good as any relationship. If I feel the need for romance, I just write it. Trust me, I can complicate life in a story, but at least it's fiction.

It seems that when I venture out I become distracted from writing, and then I am a grump. I am addicted to writing, like I am with fitness.

I'm sure one day, somebody will catch my eye and I won't be able to refuse taking a chance. But for now, I am quite content with writing and conversing with friends.

Breathless Moment

I look up at the moonlit sky, sighing. The full moon is so close. I reach my hand out to touch it. A smile warms my face as I see the fog rising around me. I am swept up and run towards the fog. I try to breathe but it's growing thick. I laugh and spin circles around in my little white dress. I look down at the ripples that form as I twirl. Again I laugh and look up at the sky. I am getting dizzy and I know I'm going to fall. Before I hit the ground I am caught in the arms of a stranger. I scream until I realize it is you. Not a stranger but a dream. I am lost in your eyes as you pull me up into your arms. I cannot look away and neither can you. You tell me I am beautiful and a bashful smile touches my lips. I could stand here all night gazing into your dreamy eyes. You must feel the same because we have not moved from this spot in the fog.

I woke this morning with quite a start
when a vision of you has warmed my heart.
I cannot tell you what it entails
just that we jumped on board and set sail

I want it to happen
a dream come true
especially when I saw
a vision of you

August Fish Fry

For many years my family has celebrated a tradition called the August Fish Fry. This was the best way to celebrate all the August birthdays in our large family.

There was a single cake and a list of names written across it along with a banner that we hung from the front porch.

We made a small fire and put an enormous frying pan (I still have not seen a pan that compared in size) on it and my uncle added the catfish that he caught on a fishing trip the week before. He was one of the many names listed on this celebration day.

We played volley ball and baseball. The adults tapped the keg and us younger ones enjoyed soda. The festivities began around eleven in the morning and lasted until way passed dark.

I miss the quiet country life and can't wait to find my way back to it.

A Plumbing Adventure

I can say that life is crazy and loves to throw a wrench in here and there, literally.

I woke up, barely able to open my eyes and slowly walked into the bathroom. I turned the knob to the sink faucet and my mouth dropped open. The water was on and the knob was in my hands. I giggle and try to put it back on. A temporary fix for now. I splash my face with the cold water and mess with the knob for a couple of minutes trying to shut off the water. Finally succeeding. I shake my head and after using the toilet, I flush it. I head to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. After sitting down and taking a sip, I realize it's still running. I walk back in and yes, I have to jiggle the knob. Again, I shake my head.

After a cup of coffee and some computer time, I jump in the shower. Get out, dry off and wake my son. I jump at the sound of the sump pump and laugh. It is rare that I hear it. I turn on the television and my son sits down with his milk, key lime yogurt and an apple cinnamon cereal bar and watches cartoons. Again the sump pump kicks on. Very curiously, I walk into the laundry room and hear the sound of water gushing. I look at the water heater and water is flowing out swiftly. I gasp and panic. What next? I asked laughing as I make the call to the plumber.

Pride

One thing I have learned is that pride will only cause heartache. When you can't open up to the ones you love and be yourself, what is the point in searching for your true love? You are not ready until you give in to humility. It's easy to hurt that special someone when you can't show them who you are because you are embarrassed. There is a reason this special someone fell in love with you. Trust me.

I came from money and now I am barely making ends meet. Yes it's hard but I have found that the people who surround me now don't care if I have a big fancy house or a fancy car. They don't care if I belong to a country club. They probably prefer that I don't.

They love me for me. And I love them for being them. Society has a way of taking away our hearts so we can fit in. Not this girl. It happened once and I woke up. Now I have never been happier and have so much love to give.

Autumn

With Autumn settling in, the chill creeps into my bones. I shiver on my way to the kitchen for that morning cup of coffee to warm me inside. I ask myself why I am so excited for this almost too cool morning?

It's simple, summer and weather reaching ninety degrees is finally over. Though I am not ready for sixties, it is better than a hundred.
I love seeing the trees change colors and the leaves fall to the ground. It's almost time to rake them up and dive into them.
I love baking and warm drinks like apple cider and steamy hot chocolate. I love soups and stews and casseroles along with biscuits, muffins and fresh baked pies.
I love the smell pouring out of the chimneys. I am ready to fire mine up this very evening. But I will wait another month. I am antsy but I know my patience will pay off.

The greatest thing about fall is Halloween. I love dressing up and doing the monster mash.

This is the beginning of a great season... let's enjoy it together.

Have you ever got caught up in the moment and forgot the world around you?

I have. That is why I have been quiet over the last few months. But I'm ready to be back on track and giving you some enjoyment. At the same time I don't want to lose that hour with the man that has captured my heart.

Why is it I find myself wanting to spend every waking moment with this man? I will never know. I knew my heart could feel, just didn't realize how much. The sad part is I am terrified. With him it is so easy to just lose track of time. And I have lost three months worth. Do I regret it? Heck no! I love him. But I love you too, so I am going to bring my focus back on you. Without you, my dreams won't come true. So here's to the dream I dream with you :o)

A Lesson To Learn

In an attempt to push one away, make sure you know why you are and that you are doing it for the right reason. When someone loves you, there is no reason to push them away. Especially when communication between you two is perfect. Talk out the issues or you will wonder what you could have done differently. There is no need to panic in any case until after the conversation, because they may be excited over what you had feared. Trust me.

School Update

I recently received my last assignment back from my professor. The words across the top of my story surprise me. Why? I have no idea. I do know that I can write, but I guess when you hear it from an outsider, it makes all the difference.

Along the top of my short story the words STRONG STORY, stood out. I read over his comments. I giggle and cry at the same time while my heart is beating faster. He tells me that it is good enough to submit to a magazine. That I polished the story well and it's consistency and flow are accurate.

These few words of encouragement are why I keep pushing forward to reach my goal. Today, I begin submissions as I begin my next assignment.

A Smile To Brighten The Room

I look across the table at a little girl and boy eating their ice cream and see the light in their eyes. Their true happiness gushing out of them brightens my day.

They spent a day at the roller rink trying to learn the tough technique of not falling down. Of course when the tumble happened, skating was the worse thing ever. After ten minutes of convincing them to get back up and give it another try, they realized everyone falls.
After two hours, they were wiped and ready to leave. Tears flowing for the silliest reasons on both of them. The two adults smile at each other, wishing they could spend more time together, but how? With two tired little ones, the only option is to go home. Or is it?

The mother whispers into her son's ear, "Should we invite them to go have an ice cream with us?" He stops crying and smiles. He turns to the little girl and asks her if she would like ice cream. She too stops crying. She nods with a smile and the next adventure begins.

With an ice cream cone in their hands, they giggle and tease one another. I steal a glance at the handsome guy sitting next to me and see a smile so wide, that I cannot resist returning one of my own.

Two adults, two children, and one table full of laughter. What more could anyone ask for...

Heartfelt

If I gave you the world would you love me the same?
Or would you change and grow anxious for more than I can give?

This is my worry as I unlock the door to my heart. Why would I want to open up and give in fully when all that surrounds me are the heartaches my loved ones are experiencing?

I am terrified to open the door wide, yet I am afraid not to take the leap. The only way to know for sure is to open up blindly and give one hundred percent. When this happens all you can do is pray that you will receive one hundred percent in return.

May you know true love when it finds you and turn away when you know it's not. If it requires extra work to achieve it, then take a step back and make sure that it is true. For love is absolute.

Lust or Love

Can you differentiate between the two? I can.

In the last year and a half, I looked at a guy and wondered what his chest looked like or stared at his lips curious if he could really kiss. I could go on, but you catch my drift. I never cared much for an intellectual conversation with these guys I found very appealing. Quite frankly, I wasn't interested in anymore than a fantasy.

Two months ago, I was put to the test. I had been set up on a date and I really wasn't interested. I had finally found myself and honestly knew school was much more important than some guy. When I met him, I sighed with relief. He was cute, but nah.

The crazy thing, we talked. We talked and danced the night away and I laughed. I loved dancing and swinging with many different partners. But tonight, I found myself only wanting to dance with him and continue our conversation.

I craved a conversation with him on several occasions and that is what we did. We talked about everything, laughing until we were in tears and our stomachs hurt. We spent hours doing this and didn't move forward for three weeks spending as many days together as we could. Not even kissing.
When that first kiss came, I was nervous and giggly.

I realized that this was something special and that this was love.

Fashion Statement

Going back through old pictures, I wonder how we ever survived the fashion world of the eighties and into nineties.

With thick pleated pants buttoned at the waist, a tucked in blouse that had enough room for two bodies and shoes that well, honestly were quite hideous. The rim of my glasses circled low under my cheek bones, covering half my face. Make-up, high ponytails worn off to the side, and cute hats are the only plus to this crazy era.

I laugh hysterically at these old pictures and wonder if I will still laugh at myself in the next ten years for today's fashions.

Lazy Day

Have you ever looked at the chaos around you and decided that today... you are just not going to lift a finger?
Today, that is me. With a never ending pile of growing chores and tasks, I find myself staring off in a daze, wondering where to begin. I had kept on top of the daily needs for two weeks straight and tonight, I am just exhausted.
My assignment is due in one week and it just needs finalization. The dishes and laundry are clean and ready to be put where they should go. Dinner dishes are ready to be loaded. The simple task of brushing teeth and washing my face seem like such a chore at this moment.

I changed into my pajamas at seven and let my son watch television, counting the final hour down until complete silence. I plan to crawl into bed with a good book at eight o'clock when my child is in his bed. Will I make it passed the first page or will I crash out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I can only hope this evening will spring me back into my normal energized self.

A Special Day

On August 30, 2005 the most precious moment of my life was put into my hands. I held a six pound eight ounce baby boy and named him Trenton Luke.

Since the day he was born he ruled my life. Through the good times and the bad we stuck together like peas in a pod. There wasn't a moment that we were apart in the first year of his life and rarely was he out of my sight until two years ago. If I had my choice I would never let go of his hand. I would squeeze it assuredly as we walked the path of life. I would take away every fear. I will keep him close by my side and protect him. I will teach him to stand tall and teach him when to walk away. I will nourish him with the beauty of life. I will teach him the value of life. I will applaud him for every achievement and be there for every heartbreak.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for this child handed to me on Tuesday August 30, 2005 at 8:41 pm. When I looked into his eyes I saw my purpose in life. I am his teacher, his friend, and most importantly, I am his mother.

Busy Little Bee

As I type away in silence I hear the scuttle of my little boy in his room. I pray silently that I have five more minutes before I have to stop writing. I am in a groove and it's very hard to break that roll of the mind.

"Mommy, come here," his soft little voice calls out. I hurriedly finish my thought and stop in a place that is easy to pick back up and head into his room.

"Good Morning, bubby," I say and walk over to his bed. I open my arms and gather him up. For the first time in a long time he lets go quickly and says look how organized my bed is!"

I laugh. My eyes shift over to the stuffed animals neatly lined up against the back of his bed. The sheets and blankets are piled next to his pillow and the center is bare. "Wow, bubby. It looks great! Should we fold the sheets to make it look even nicer?"
He nods and I fold them. He neatly lays them along the side of his bed and his smile is as wide as it could ever be. Then he says "Mommy look at my room. Look how clean it is," and gives me that satisfied look I love to see. I nod and smile then open my arms. He climbs into them and I tell him, "you have been a busy little bee this morning. Your room looks fabulous."

"Yeah, now keep Caeli out so it won't get messed up while I am at school." I squeeze him a little tighter and laugh.
"I will make sure she doesn't play in your room." I shut his door on our way to the kitchen for a morning breakfast.

June 11

By chance I met you on this warm summer day, sweeping by me on the bicycle. I couldn't help but giggle when you did a double take and smiled at me right before you crashed onto the sidewalk. You jump up and brush the dirt off your sweat pants and smile at me. I haven't moved from the spot in which our eyes met. My puppy is wiggling in my arms and I very slowly set him to the ground and make sure his leash is secure. I jump when I hear your gentle voice greeting me and I almost hit your chin with my head in the process. You laugh while I blush and smile brightly. You tell me the sand made you lose control just so you could meet your destiny, as we walk side by side down the path. The leash in my left hand, your bike to your right.

"This was the way we met eleven years ago," I tell my daughter who rolls her eyes.
"Mom I know," she says. "You have told me this every June 11th. This is how you and dad met, I get it. Happy Anniversary." Young Anabel gets up and walks into the living room and sits next to her father on the couch.

"If it wasn't for the sand on the bike path, I never would have met the most amazing woman in my life." He wraps his arm around his daughter. "I am a very lucky man to be married to your mother for the last eleven years."

Anabel sighs and shakes her head. "Why do you guys do this every June 11th?"

"Because fate brought us together and every day I fall deeper in love with that woman standing in the kitchen arranging the fresh roses from our garden," he says to his daughter.

"And I couldn't imagine a single day without that man sitting next to you on the couch who buys me fresh flowers for no reason, but on June 11th gets up at five in the morning and picks the flowers from our garden." I smiled as I walked into the room with the vase of freshly arranged scarlet roses.

"For if we choose to love with our whole heart for eternity, the greatest happiness will surround us for our entire life span."

Lyrics Not Suitable for the Young Ears

Did you realize how much sexual expression was in a song that you loved as a child?

I was naive to the understanding of lyrics until I began paying attention just this last year. I sang them as a child and thought of them as just a song to sing. But as we listened to the one hit wonders of the eighties in cycle class, I asked well why didn't we get to hear Wild Wild West. The cycle instructor tells me that is because of the lyrics.

This song isn't nearly as bad as a few others but yes it says give me safe sex and also talks of handing out Valiums.
Now I am researching just how many songs that I loved back in the 80's and 90's weren't really suitable for me to listen to as a child. I am amazed at just how many were not suitable. You've got Madonna, Charlie Daniels Band, Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Michael Jackson just to name a few artists. Now I find myself listening to the music's lyrics or looking them up on Google. I do what I can to keep my child from hearing them. But, it's everywhere. No matter how much I try to make sure he doesn't hear them, I find him singing along to "single ladies" which was on Alvin and the Chipmunks second movie.

We are completely surrounded in this culture and sadly it's impossible to block everything out. I do my best not to make a big deal out of it and hope that he is just as naive as I once was to the lyrics of the music we love to sing.

Inspirational Writing

Have you ever wondered how a writer came up with such a compelling scene that left you sitting on the edge of your couch unable to refrain from flipping page after page?

As I new writer, I will tell you my little secret. I have experienced a life filled with traumatic experiences and have stood strong or blind at times during them. Almost all of my incidents have some meaning of something I have seen, felt, or been caught in the middle.

When I say this, it doesn't mean that I have experienced every nightmare or passion I have created, but that something sparked within me to get my words flowing on paper. Or more accurately, typed into a word processor from my notebook computer.

I am a very deep woman who lays her feelings out with every stroke of the key. It is the one place I find refuge. The one place I can open up and let my heart soar and my mind create it's magic.

When I look back at my writing most of the time, I am surprised at the monster I created or the hero I now dream of being.

Back To School

The muggy air is not comforting as I walk up the sidewalk to the school. A fresh year, a new school. My son is anxious yet terrified. But, his independence keeps him under control. I too am worried about the long day in this new environment. We are no longer attending a preschool but an Elementary School. There is no longer a school of twenty-four students but kindergarten alone has seventy-five students divided into five classrooms. It was a hard decision to send him because he is a young five year old this kindergarten year.
I hold a positive view for my handsome young boy. I know I will do whatever it takes to appease him, yet at the same time, I will push him to succeed.

I arrive midday to join him for lunch and watch him walk into the gym. He doesn't see me and he is smiling and doing as he is supposed to. I am surprised to see that he is the tallest of the kindergarten class. He turns his head in my direction and his eyes light up.
"That's my mom," he shouts out and smiles brightly.
He tells me of his adventures throughout the morning and I know he will be fine. As a matter of fact I know he will do great because he loves a challenge just like his mother.

A Peachy Adventure

It's the middle of August and a week before school starts when our group decides to visit a local Peach Farm. We choose August, knowing it's going to be a very hot morning but at the same time, that is when the peaches are ready for the picking.

I wake up at four in the morning hearing the thunder booming and jump up to look out the window to see rain pouring down. My heart saddens. I really wanted to go to the peach farm and take the tour. I wanted to step outside my box, and experience something new in my life. I crawl back in bed with a silent prayer and fall fast asleep.

I wake and the rain is letting up, but the yard is muddy where grass hasn't grown yet. I just know we are not going. Then I get the text, Peach Farm is still a go. "Yippee," I shout and rush to get my son and I ready.

Riding along with friends, we laugh and talk about the craziness of going to the farm. One second, it's pouring. Next second, not a single drop. When we arrive, the ground is muddy but we dressed for the occasion.

The tour begins with twenty plus women and children and we venture to look at the peaches. I am not normally fond of peaches but I found a tree that was so lusciously ripe and sweet, that I couldn't stop filling up my bucket and eating a few as well.

It was a cold and misty day, but the friendship and laughter kept us warm.

Isn't Life Entertaining...

This weekend's events were quite entertaining for little ole me.

Saturday around midnight I had hot and cold flashes until four a.m. and then my stomach took a miserable turn for the worse. Yes the porcelain God became my friend. I had wondered what it could be. Maybe the slice of apple pie that I had around 11 wasn't such a good idea. It did have a funny taste, I just thought it's because I didn't make it. Could it be a viral bug? Those have been floating around as well.

I crawled back in bed, feeling slightly better and drifted to sleep. When I woke at eight o'clock, I didn't feel much better. My head was pounding and my son was relentless, banging on the noisiest toys and screaming. I couldn't move and had no energy to try to control him.
He looked at me and said "Mommy, what's wrong?"
"Mommy isn't feeling the best, why don't we watch television."
He nodded, disappeared up the stairs. When he came back down he had a bottle of lemon lime Gatorade and handed it to me. I thanked him and we settled in for a day of cartoons. I slept throughout the day, and found I could move a little more around lunch time. I just couldn't wait for three o'clock. That is when my son would have daddy time, not that I wanted him to go. But I was in no shape to play with him.

The doorbell rings at three and I'm a total mess. I help gather stuff for my son and kiss him on the cheek. My son's daddy looks at me curiously. I tell him, I think the apple pie was bad and he nods.

They get in the truck and I curl back up on the couch, thinking sleep is my best friend. I hear my phone and check the text that comes through from my son's daddy.
It reads: Is there something you need to tell me?
I reply: Like what?

The story unfolds as this... my son saw me playing on my computer and saw a picture of me and my new beau. He asked who it was and I told him his name flipped the picture. The next picture was me in a cowboy hat.
He says "Mommy you look very pretty where are you?" and I tell him. "Mommy I wanna go to that place in the mall." I laugh. He's not old enough to be in that place until he's 21.

So the scenario is: Daddy I saw mommy kissing Joe Bob at the country club or drum roll... Are you pregnant? HA!

The Dream I Dream

I stand on the riverbank and chip in the rock I've been holding in my hand. It skips across the water creating tiny ripples along it's path. I watch, though I don't pay close attention. I have much on my mind.

This is the first time I had ever wondered about my future. And I am afraid. Afraid of what happens right after high school. I don't have a plan or a college picked out. I have two jobs just to make rent and pay the utilities. Honestly, I have no desire to go to college because I cannot afford it. My ability to achieve that dream career would cost me a fortune and I have no parents to help me out.

My life feels wasted and I'm only eighteen. I don't want to be married with children, I want to soar like the eagle. I want to run away to Paris and freelance while taking scenic memorable photos. But this will never happen for me. I am stuck in a rut on this rock out in the Midwest.

If only I could make myself believe that anything is possible. If only I could find the faith and determination to make this dream come to life...

Here I am now, thirty-five and typing on a blog site. Today I am determined to make this dream happen. Today I have found the faith in my ability to write as I have wanted my entire life. Today everything is possible if I put forth the effort.

Today is my day to shine...

Family Cookout

The sun is shining bright when I fire up the grill. Nothing like a summer cookout to make the heat enjoyable. With fresh cut asparagus, mushrooms, zucchini, green onion and squash to compliment the seasoned chicken breasts, we are licking our lips as the grill's propane aroma fills the air.

The children run around outside creating havoc while the adults stay inside relaxing in the air conditioning, popping open beers and laughing as they tell stories of their youth.

Me, I am the hostess of this event and am in the kitchen coordinating the festivities. It is a favorite past time and I plan everything out to keep it a stress-free event. I smile as the laughter in the family room grows louder and roll my eyes when the children tattle on each other. I beg them to please just get along and send them back outside to play.

When the grilling is done, the chaos begins. Everyone crowds into the kitchen grabbing their plates and piling them high and scatter back to a place to indulge. Compliments go 'round and stories continue where they left off until late in the evening. Clean up is a breeze when the sisters help tackle the chore.My mother stands and thanks me for the evening and everyone follows her lead. We wave goodbye and blow them kisses and tell them let's do this again real soon.

The house becomes quiet. I fall back onto the couch and rest my eyes. My little one snugs up next to me and we fall fast asleep.

These are the memories that last a life time. These are the memories I will remember most.

The Unwelcome Text

I rush to my cell phone the moment I hear it chirp. I am smiling and hopeful that it is the one who makes my heart soar. I look at the time, he can't text me for another half hour or so. So I am curious now, who would be texting me? I read who the sender is. I shake my head and read the text.

You wanna move to California?

I am stunned. Why on earth is he asking me to move with him, now? We aren't together and haven't been in over a year. I try to tell him "no" gently, but he is not listening to me. He is desperately trying to persuade me, and I am still holding my ground. There is nothing in California that I want. Not anymore.
This was the path I asked for two years ago. I begged then to get away.
All of a sudden, I feel a rush of emotion as a tear drop slides down my cheek. I just need a release. My heart is overwhelmed and I am no longer wanting to talk. I just want to lock myself up into a room and not have any visitors at all.

Maybe this seems odd to you, but this is just the beginning of the next round of events sure to come. The start of something genuine and sweet. But as I say "no" the hatred will build and once again I will find myself afraid to make any positive move.

I just want to be free of this whirlwind that smothers me all too frequently.

Constant Panic

Have you ever woke up and worried about a nightmare that you had the night before?
A cold sweat makes you shiver. You bury your face in your hands and cry, a panic has taken over. The constant fear of that dream coming true, makes you pay attention to every thing that stands out in your day. The possibility of it coming true seems more likely than not...

I had a dream about two years ago, that still has me in a panic. I keep wondering at what point it will become reality, though I pray it never does. But there are some things in my current situation that make it seem possible to happen.

I have always believed in my dreams and nightmares, because they frequently come to life. My nightmares are the ones that recur most often and I fear that I will always be scarred of this panic. It would never be a relief for it to ring true. It would be a blessing that it fades out of my mind and never resurfaces.

A Much Needed Rest

Last night I found myself just too tired to write, though I couldn't stop trying. With my notebook in my lap I sighed and leaned back into the soft plush pillow and rested my eyes for just a moment. A minute is all I need. I listen to the low murmur of moonlight sonata by Beethoven, not thinking of anything at all. I am drifting further into sleep at every second. I try to open my eyes but the weight of my eyelids is just too heavy. One more minute I tell myself as the music fades and I drift further and surrender myself to the quiet and peaceful sleep that I have needed for so long.

I sat on the front porch fanning myself with the book I had been reading. I could feel the sweat trickle down my back as well as my arms. Today was definitely a scorcher. I wanted to go inside, but the babysitter was specific about us staying outside until the little kids were asleep. I looked at my bulky black watch. It had been thirty minutes since all of us older kids were sent outside to play. I looked around the neighborhood at the empty houses wondering how much longer we will have to wait to go inside. The screen door creaked open. The short plump sitter came out with a plate full of watermelon and a smile on her face. I jumped up and grabbed a piece of the ice cold watermelon and thanked her. I returned to the porch swing and bit into it. Juice ran down the sides of my mouth and I pushed the seeds away the best I could. I ate several pieces and then went inside to clean up. Sat on the couch and opened my book, settling into the air conditioning for the rest of the afternoon.

Hide and Seek

The sun came down on us with a vengeance as we played a game of hide and seek. I knew mom would be back from the store shortly and I could go in to the ice cold air conditioning and help her put away the groceries. Helping out in the kitchen put a smile on my face as I ran and hid behind the shed. I peeked around the corner and saw my little sister bopping along in my direction, looking from one side to another. I snickered at the silly smile on her face and waited for her to decide which way she would go around the shed. She came straight for me and I tip toed quickly to the other side of the shed and managed to slink away without her seeing me. I made a mad dash across the yard and I heard her yell “hey.” I laughed and looked over my shoulder. She folded her arms and sat down on the ground.
“I’m not playing anymore.”
Guilt began to smother me and I stopped running. I turned around and walked over to her. She looked at me and threw out her hand hitting my arm. “Gotcha!”
That sly little smile crossed over her face and I rolled my eyes. “Good one, sis.”

I heard the car pull up and ran around front with my sister on my heels, both of us laughing. Mother smiled at us and we helped her carry in the groceries, with my little sister bragging about her manipulative move to tag me.

Breaking Habit

While enjoying a hot and sweaty session of cardio craze at the gym, the instructor says, "Here's the song that gives you a goal. Name one thing that you would like to change (habit-wise) and do it right now."

So here's one thing I'm motivated to change: FEAR to commit.

I'm not talking relationships, but in my studies and getting my life organized. Once upon a time life was simple or more accurately controlled. I knew what I had to do the moment I woke up. I had structure. Now I have chaos. I lost control a year ago when I had to settle into a major change and since then I have struggled to find the happy medium. My goal is to get back into the normal grind.

As far as studies, I need to reach for the sky. I will never accomplish anything if I don't overcome the fear of rejection. How would I know if it's good if I don't throw myself into the lion's den? I am motivated but am afraid to commit a hundred percent. I am afraid to fail, yet I am failing because I haven't tried.

So here's to overcoming the Fear to Commit!

P.S. Soon I will work on the fear to commit into a relationship... soon.

Coffee in the Morning

I pour the coffee into my favorite mug, the one that says I'm having a nice day don't screw it up, and grab a cranberry scone. I open the door and walk out onto the deck and sit in my chaise lounge chair and take a sip. The breeze sweeps through my hair and I close my eyes, smiling. I can only think of one thing that I want to do right now. I want to dream of what tomorrow could bring. What will flow onto the paper the next time I write? Ah... it depends on my mood at this very moment. Romance found a way into my thoughts. I have an idea, one that could bring my words to life. I try to develop my thoughts without moving but I have to get up and grab my notebook. I scribble quickly as the images are vivid in my mind. The story unfolds and I am pleased with the rough draft. The notebook now lays in my lap and I grab the coffee mug and listen to the wind in the trees once again, sipping my morning coffee.

Today took courage to watch my son from afar holding tight to his father. Not that I didn't want him to, but I needed him in my arms. His father needed him more. I kept out of view for the sake of my child's father. I didn't want my little boy to see me and leave his father's arms. It was one of the toughest things I've had to do, but this was not about me.

On the way to the burial grounds my son saw me and jumped into my arms. I gave him a hug and he held me tight. I don't want to let go, but I must. "Bubby, daddy needs you," I whisper in his ear. He looks at me with understanding and I let him go. He runs back into his father's arms and hugs him tight.

I watched my son's passion towards his father. So nurturing at such a young age. I smile because I know I am raising him to be compassionate. I want nothing more than my son to show the people in his life that he is sensitive to their needs yet strong enough to recognize his own.

I am so proud of my little boy.

The Love of Structure

I never realized how important structure is for me until I moved.

The entire time I packed, I set a goal for what I needed to accomplish and stuck to my plan. However, sometimes something unexpected would come in to play and I would irritably rearrange my schedule. Still I was clueless that I relied on structure. It wasn't until a month after moving into the new place that it hit me. I had wondered around lost, not sure where to begin my day or end it and preferred to sleep. Slowly I transitioned back into a routine, beginning my day with writing followed by the gymnasium.
I do allow spontaneity throughout the day, but settle back in with writing and playing the keyboard before I drift off into dreamland.

The Fourth of July

A house full of family and friends, a box full of fireworks, large plates piled with food from the BBQ, and conversations to last a lifetime. This is the way to celebrate the fourth of July.

A crowd of spectators grow when the loud BOOM echoes through the streets of the once quiet neighborhoods. The oohs and awes fill the night with the sparkling and radiant colors that light up the sky.

Laughter erupts when the silliest things are said and done on this fourth of July as they wait patiently for the next exciting display of fireworks to be set off.

When the fireworks run out and the cleanup is complete, the long embraces and shaking of hands follow as they scatter back to their homes to settle in after a fun-filled and exhausting night.

A never ending smile in place while reminiscing on the events of the night as they shut their eyes and drift off into dreamland.

The Fourth of July, Independence Day, will always be reminiscent throughout our lives while we anticipate the next display of fireworks.

Finding the Rhythm

After spending a good two weeks trying to move from one house to another, I have had a tough time trying to get back into the groove of writing. It seems I can sit and stare at the monitor thinking "What else can I get organized and unpacked?"
It's amazing how a matter of two weeks can knock away the drive that I worked so hard to achieve over this last year. But now it's time to get back to work. With my assignment due just three weeks away, my concentration and focus need to be back on full demand. Can I do it? Yes, of course I can. It's just a matter of finding the rhythm again.

Goodbye To one Of The Greatest Women I Knew

One of the greatest women in my life, my son's grandmother, had passed away recently. Though I am relieved that she is no longer suffering, I miss her and wish we could have that lunch I had put off for so long. Why do we let little squabbles keep us apart when life is so short? That I am not sure of. I had mentioned once upon a time that I have never regretted anything. Now I have one.

Lunch was a simple request, and one I agreed would be wonderful. But I couldn't bring myself to meet her for lunch. Now, I cannot have that lunch with her, no matter how much I desire it. I know why I never made it. I feared the topic of my recent separation (1 year ago) from her son. I didn't want to answer what went wrong, because it would not be fair to tell her. She was a great woman, and a very caring mother who had a hard life. My ex, her son, meant the world to her. Who am I to ruin that perfect image she had of him?

I did find a way to make peace by writing her a letter and placing it within her casket. Explaining my feelings without making her roll over in her grave was quite easy. I know she is watching us from above, standing next to her husband and son, hoping for the best and watching her grandchildren grow.

May she rest in peace knowing she was loved by many.

One Wish

If I only had one wish, what would I wish for? Would it be that I win the lottery? or that I will publish my novel? Would I wish for my handsome prince to come along and sweep me off my feet?

No. If I only have one wish, my wish is that my son would have the best life he could have.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he should live with me or should he live with his father? Maybe I'm not being fair in the amount of time he has with his father. Maybe I'm not as good of a mother to him as I should be. Do I spend an adequate amount of quality time with him? Do I make him happy? I wonder if he's happier with his father. If he had a choice, would he choose to live with me?
Then there's the other side. Who has the best financial support for him? Who can offer the best care? Which one of us is more stable?

Am I being too selfish when I want to have him with me all the time?

All that I know is that I love this little boy with all my heart and I want nothing more than to have him smile daily. But I wonder if he can. I feel like I've ruined that for him because I broke up his stability when I chose to walk out of our home. Was it the best choice for him? I don't know. All the constant tension that surrounds him now, is heartbreaking and more than ever I want to wish it away.

My Independence Day Celebration

Today, Friday June 11, I am celebrating my independence day. June 11, 2009 was the day that I stood my ground and walked out of a dead situation and into the unknown. It's also the day that began my life adventure. Learning what was necessary to survive and build a life for my son and I without leaning on someone else. I didn't believe it was possible to jump over so many hurdles and dodge a ton of obstacles on the way in just a year. But I have accomplished much more than I could ever dream.

Funny enough, I am signing papers on a new house too. What is so funny about that you ask? Well, it's the same day I signed papers on the rental house I'm currently living in. But I did get a scare from the underwriters who decided to re-evaluate my financial status. Nothing like being thrilled to buy a house and then to have a deep scare that I may not get to buy the house because of something from my past. And until yesterday, I wasn't sure that I would own this home. But I knew I had to. All the signs were there. The house was born the same year I was, and it is on the street named after my favorite show when I was a teenager. Not to mention the closing date was the same as my independence day and I found out I was approved to buy a home on my birthday. So I knew deep down, it had to be mine. There were other things that came into play like the scattered thunderstorms and the always down to the wire. For some reason my adrenaline is always meant to be pumping hard.

So my Independence Day speech is as follows: Today I celebrate my Independence Day. The day that I learned the hills may look like mountains, but they are mere speed bumps along the path that faith leads me... God Bless.

Nightwalk VI

“It was a dream, just a dream,” Sarah said holding her chest, breathing deeply.

He moved the hair from her face, brushing it off her shoulder and stared into her eyes with a distraught expression. “Safe.”

She nodded and smiled weakly.

She reached up and touched his arm. He shivered and closed his eyes but he didn’t back away this time. She ran her hand along his smooth cool arm, feeling him tremble under her touch. “Who are you?”

“Michael,” he whispered. She looked into his eyes, while reaching her hand up very slowly. He flinched and moved just out of reach.

“Please,” she whispered, holding her hand inches from his face. After a long hesitation, he leaned forward resting his cheek in her hand and closed his eyes.
A jolt surged through her and she saw horrifying visions of his life pass swiftly through her mind. She gasped when she saw the woman from the mural and jerked her hand away. “What was that?”

A look of sorrow crossed his face, but he said nothing. She leaned back against the wall, staring at him. A long silence passed between them giving her time to remember the images that flooded her mind.
He had always been a supernatural being, unlike the Wolfman, who had been bitten by another wolfman. Though the vivid glimpse showed the battle between the two beings had raged on for thousands of years, there wasn't any understanding of why they fought over the woman.
Michael lowered his head and stood very slowly with his back towards her. She reached up and touched the tip of his wing, feeling him tremble once again at the slightest touch of her fingertips. She ran her fingers down to the point and through the feathers. He shuddered, but didn’t move.
“Michael, who am I?”
He turned around briskly and gazed into her eyes. “My future.”
“What? How can that be,” she asked.
No response. “What is this,” she asked pointing at the mural.
Michael looked up at the mural and then back at her. He said nothing.
“I want to go home,” she whined.
“You are safe here,” he said softly
“I want to go home now!”
“Not safe,” he whispered and walked away.
“Michael,” she yelled and he turned around frightened. “If you can’t answer me, take me home!”
He opened the door and she screamed, “Michael!” He didn’t stop this time, and headed out of the room, closing the door behind him.
She tried to move her legs but they were still gravitated to the bed. Sarah screamed as loud as she could until she was too exhausted to continue and cupped her face with her hands sobbing until she fell asleep.

Research

Today I am battling the magazine world, searching for the perfect one that I can submit some of my short stories. Then I wonder, maybe I should pick a magazine at random and see if I can write a story that will fit their needs. Could I rise to the challenge and create a masterpiece? Well, maybe not a masterpiece. But, I think I could write something they need. Right? Eh, well you never know until you try.

I have never been a big fan of magazines until my professor offered me this challenge. Now that I have had to research many of them, I find I could read article after article and enjoy the short stories as well.

I am staring up at the sky dreaming of day you get to read an article I have published. Sigh...

Curious Dreams

I woke laughing hysterically at a dream which I cannot remember. Why do these dreams come into my conscience only to vanish before I wake?
I don't mind forgetting the ones that terrify me. Only those, I always see the face of who or what haunts me. That face is always close enough to touch my nose. Yet then I dream a dream like last night, waking up feeling superb, wishing I knew what had me laughing so hard.
I wonder if these are my deja vu dreams...

Jealous Rage

A jealous rage tore through her and Myrna stormed across the restaurant bar. Her victim, a young blond woman with perfect lips and angelic features, sat across from Jacob. The man whom she thought she would marry.

Myrna grabbed a wine glass off the table closest to her, never yielding from her destination. She was two tables away from them when the woman looked up with a smile and saw her. The woman raised a curious brow and turned her attention back to him.

Myrna halted momentarily. Did she know who she was? It appeared not. Maybe she just didn't recognize her. She marched up to their table and slammed the wine glass on the corner. The young blond shrieked while shards of glass flew in every direction. Jacob stood up, a furious expression crossed his face.

"What is this," he yelled.
"What does it look like," Myrna screamed pointing the broken glass at his chest.
Three of the wait staff had joined them and everyone had their attention on the brewing fight.
"I have spent many nights wondering just what it is you are doing. And then I followed you here," Myrna yelled. Tears began to sting her eyes.
"What? Are you stalking me?"
Jacob looked from Myrna to the young woman across from him. Her eyes were wide with fright.
"Don't look at that hussie. You keep your eyes on me," she screamed.
He looked back at Myrna. "What do you want?"
"That's a foolish question," she said breaking down. When she relaxed slightly, the lanky waiter put his arms around her tightly. She screamed, struggling in his arms and he squeezed tighter. Jacob reached for the broken glass and pried it out of her hand. The three waiters surrounded her and walked her towards the door.
Jacob watched as the police arrived and cuffed her. He walked over to the door, leaving the blond gawking, and met eyes with Myrna as they helped her into the squad car.
"Sir, I need to ask you some questions," a short stout policeman said sternly.
"No problem," he said with a shrug. Jacob looked back at his date and sighed. "First let me take care of my bill." He walked over to the table where the young blond's mouth puckered up and tears filled her eyes.
"I have to answer a few questions. Would you like me to call a cab?"
"No. I can manage on my own," she said, standing and strode passed him, flipping her hair off her shoulder.
"I guess I won't be seeing her again," he smiled at the officer standing next to him.
"Doesn't look like it," he said smiling back. "Are you ready to head to the club with us?"
"Yes. How's Myrna?"
"Angry. I told you not to take her out," the officer laughed.
"Yes James, I've learned my lesson," Jacob laughed. "Let's get out of here."

Cycle time

I am exhausted and there is no end in sight. I push myself harder but my aching legs are ready to give in. I want to cry out from the pain as it shoots from my calves, up passed my hamstrings, and still spiraling up and around to my quadriceps, but I clamp my jaw shut tight. I can't show weakness, not in here. I must keep going. Tiny beads of sweat are forming on my arms and perspiration is pouring from my hair, dripping down my forehead, along my cheeks and stinging my eyes. I grab my already drenched towel and rest it against my face.

The heat is thickening and the breeze is fading. I reach down for my water, and drink the last drop. Afraid to thirst, I look up at the clock, the end is in sight. I press harder on the pedals and close my eyes, pedaling faster ignoring the agony screaming from my muscles. Five more minutes and I try to push my legs, but they are exhausted. I release the resistance to my bike and my legs speed up and I lose control slightly, only to regain it quickly. Grabbing my towel once again to wipe my heated face while I begin the recovery cool down. I sigh, stretching with a smile. I did it. I accomplished an hour of cycle. I know I will feel it for a couple of days, but it is worth it as it heightens my mood.

A Break Is In Order

How do I find my way back in to the novel that I love? It has been three months since I had touched it and I don't feel that desire I once had. I still have the passion for writing but I almost feel as if a good break is in order. Writing daily is not a problem. I have written several stories and once I get into them, I decide they are too good to blog.

I wonder is it because I'm packing and feel the time crunch on school assignments? My current assignment has been completed now and I hope that I can focus more on the passion I once felt. Maybe I just need a new limb to sprout.

I'm sure I will find the motivation soon. I haven't lost the desire to write at all, but I do find days that I stare at the blank screen. It a guarantee that it won't be long before I have a new string of events to write, as I find inspiration often.

Living In A Box

Though I could use this title as a metaphor, I'm going to use it literally.

For the last fifteen days, I've been packing up what isn't necessary for the big move into my new found independence. Have you ever realized how much time it takes to pack? I have only lived in this place for one year and have accumulated so much. Much more than I realized. I feel as though I'm not getting anywhere until I start looking for say the mixer. It's packed. Or a certain cookbook I haven't touched in three months.

With fifteen days left I am trying to figure out just what I don't need. I never realized how much stuff we use on a day to day basis and I'm thinking, maybe I should try going without. Like "rough it" so to speak. Though I'm sure it will still be a luxury to a lot of people.

We really do take things for granted. That's another post for another day...

Sailboat Dreaming

Oh how I miss the wind on my face as I sailed across the ocean to a small island off the Florida Keys.
It has been ten years since that wonderful day in Key West and I can remember the sweet taste of fresh and juicy pineapple as well as the taste of the salty ocean air. I want to feel the sun warm me while the cool breeze swirls my hair around my face. To feel the speed of the wind pushing the sailboat as it glides along the water and even more exciting when the boat leans on it's side. I yearn to take the wheel and guide us across the sea to the relaxing destination filled with palm trees and coconuts. To lounge on the beach with a Pina Colada and stare out at the ocean, listening to the waves roll in with not a care in the world.

Living in the moment even if only just for a moment is exhilarating...

Second Chance

Have you ever wondered if someone deserved a second chance in a relationship?

I'll be honest with you, I'm not one to give a second chance, usually. It seems once the relationship has been damaged, there's no reason to continue. Too many barriers go up and trust or pride is hurt. The rebuilding process sometimes is just too much and I'm not one for wondering, where I am in a relationship. I know conversations via text could be misunderstood easily, but one on one is accurate.
In a heated argument, you say what's on your mind. When the fight is over and apologies are issued, do you ever quit asking yourself if the other meant what was said? Or did you mean to unleash a fury of words that you couldn't remember saying? I think we speak the truth in those arguments and they constantly play over in my mind when I think of that person. A very unhealthy and negative feeling. That is why it's almost impossible for me to give a second chance.

I'm not saying don't give someone a second chance because of something I said. That is just my opinion.

The thrill of the game

I sit in the bleachers on a hot and steamy June afternoon, watching the Royals battle it out with the Cardinals, which is my favorite baseball team. It didn't matter that I was drenched with sweat and gulping water as quickly as I could get it, just being there was exciting. I was shocked that there were more Cardinal fans in the stadium than Royal fans, but that made it all the better. This was my first experience at a professional baseball game and it was one for the memory books. The game was intense with the Royals up a run and the Cardinals fighting back to tie, every inning until the fourth. The Cardinals hit a grand slam and I was elated, jumping out of my seat and cheering loudly until I couldn't breathe. High fives all around and continuous talk of the grand slam lasted throughout the rest of the game. The Cardinals scored eight runs that inning and that determined the game as they ran over the Royals as if they were a doormat.

I cannot wait to experience this thrill again.