As I wake up each morning, I am getting stronger. Reality has finally settled in that there will not be a child together in my husband and I's life. It's a tough pill to swallow, but fate had been decided for us a year ago. In our hearts we've known for awhile. Many factors are on our side and that is not the point of my typing this morning.
My point is that I am getting stronger. It is getting easier to accept. Though some days I falter. Who could blame me? We tried. Every time we tried it ended in heartache. My husband felt helpless and had no idea how to fix it. But he can't fix what is out of his control. He couldn't handle seeing me hurting after every loss and yet he held me tight with every tear. I knew how he felt and tried to hold back the tears so many times. Waiting until he was asleep before I shed more in silence. To make matters worse, it seemed that everyone was making an announcement of their little bundle of joy. Those days were hard as well, though I never meant for it to be. I'm so excited for them and yet I wonder why not for us.
Finally after seeing my doctor, we sat down and talked about it. We agreed that we both wanted a child more than anything. However, with every loss our sadness kept us from being who we are, which is two people who found true love and never ceased from smiling. We agreed that we are only half-hardheartedly wanting to try again because we have acknowledged that it's not the path lined out for us. It's time we concentrated on our future.
I'm not saying that I am cured and will never have a moment because I know that I will always wonder what our little bundle of joy would have been like. But that is in the back of my mind and I only have little moments anymore. Especially when someone asks, "So are you pregnant yet?" or "Are you still trying?" or "Is there something you need to tell me?" Yeah, how about, I'm gaining weight because my husband and I love to eat ice cream!"
Those are the days I usually break down. No, we aren't trying anymore. Marriage is supposed to be joyous with an over abundance of love in it's first years and we've spent most of it mourning. Besides, when we married, I gained a daughter and he gained a son. We love them more than life and have a family right in front of us. It's time to live our lives without all the heartache.