I wonder why there's no clarity in love. Could it be that the one you think is playing with your heart may be confused? Maybe they aren't sure what they want. Quite often a person tries to convince oneself that they are still in love, only to find out when standing in front of them, deep down there isn't any love left. I believe I may have been guilty of this myself.
A year ago, I left a long term relationship in search of love and what I ran into was a failure to commit. My failure. I felt I deserved the best, but I had no real confidence in that. I buried myself in my writing while the ex-boyfriend tried to show me he could change. At the same time he scared me with his unstable emotions. Yet, I tried to tell myself that I could make it work, when in reality it wasn't possible. Too much damage had already been done. I know it's my fault too. I wanted to make a friendly break for the sake of our child and didn't want to deal with the ugliness. He had a temper that flared easily and I didn't want to run into it either. Maybe I led him to believe he still had a chance when I knew in my heart there wasn't a chance possible. I feel horrible for that, because that gave him a false hope that I would run back into his arms.
In the midst of partying out my freedom, I found myself. I also found that everything I felt I deserved, I could have. But why couldn't I go for it? Whenever it came close to commitment, why did I want to run away? Because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to feel my heart swell or break. Which was horrible mixed signals that I gave to my suitors. I would show interest and agree to go out on a date. But when it came to meeting up, I would find an excuse not to go. Will I ever take a jump forward and try to date? I hope so.
No comments:
Post a Comment